Ask Audrey: 'Pizza and pints on Princes' Street is about as glamorous as pitch and putt'

Sorting out Cork people for ages...

"Face the wall, Jerry-Bob, I feel like making babies with Packie here."

Hello old stock. Why is everyone getting so excited about al fresco dining on the streets of Cork city ? Sorry now, but pizza and four pints on Princes Street is about as glamorous as pitch and putt, particularly when some passer-by in a Glen Rovers top is shouting ‘langer!!’ at you because you ordered anchovies  (or ant-showvees, as he pronounced it) . I’ve just come from a meeting of BRAN (Blackrock Road Against Norries) where Hoggy proposed and I seconded a motion, demanding that a street be set aside for the kind of people who wouldn’t be seen dead drinking Malbec. I suggested Caroline Street, until Duckie Prendergast correctly pointed out it isn’t much use for a Tinder date if your wife walks out the back door of Brown Thomas and catches you doing the dirt ( again ) . So where would you suggest? 

- Reggie, Blackrock Road

I’d say your best bet is Oliver Plunkett Street. The bad news is your wife might see you when she’s coming out the back door of Penneys. The good news is she’ll be more embarrassed than you because she was caught coming out of Penneys.

C’mere what’s the story with Micheál Martin forcing me to eat like a savage when I’m out on the piss. Myself and the old doll went out on the lash there last Monday, because you’re not a proper Norrie if you don’t turn up at work the Tuesday after a Bank Holiday with a hangover so bad that you actually consider moving to Macroom. Anyway, I had four pints and a lasagne with chips in the first gaff, how bad. When we went into the next pub, the lad said what are ye eating and I said ‘the face off each other’ and started snogging the old doll and he said no dice, so that was another lasagne and chips there . I ended up the night having four lasagne and chips. It was like Armageddon in the jacks. Is there any way to go into a pub and just get a pint? 

- Dowcha Donie, Blackpool

M y friend is brilliant at bending the rules, he’s from Castlemartyr. I said, where do you go to find a pub serving pints without food? He said, outside the Garda station. I said, I don’t follow. He said, I do follow, one of them when they come off duty. 

#Genius #OpenUpItsTheGuards

Hey, myself and Jerry-Bob are continuing our honeymoon on the Wild Atlantic Way, people don’t seem to mind that we’re Americans any more now that y’all have turned on the pub owners . Jerry-Bob and I saved our selves for Jesus until we got married, so we’re still exploring each other’s bodies, which can take a long time because we’re both from Texas and we sure like our food. The problem is we’re in the county Donegal now and every time a local opens his mouth, I want to say ‘Face the wall, Jerry-Bob, I feel like making babies with Packie here.’ Their accent should come with a health warning. Will Jesus understand if I do the wild thing with a guy because he sounds like Liam Neeson? 

- Mary Lou, Dallas, and Donegal.

I’m not sure if Jesus is a Liam Neeson fan. But I do know that all bets are off when a guy has a northern accent. In fact, if you look closely at the ten commandments, you’ll see a bit at the end saying ‘*None of these apply if the guy is from Donegal, hey.’

It’s getting urgent on our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Stunners Who Bumped Into Their Cleaning Ladies On Holidays. Laura_ Just IgnoreThem said her 25 quids worth of wild oysters in Clifden were ruined when she heard ‘Yoo-hoo Laura girl, isn’t it great the way we can all enjoy Ireland together’ from her cleaning lady across the street , she’s only from Ballyphehane. Ciara_WhiteRangeRover said it serves you right for choosing Galway over Cork, until I jumped in and said nowhere is safe, my cleaning lady shouted hello to me in Crookhaven from an Opel Corsa (!!) and now the sailing crew down here are literally pretending I don’t exist. I wonder, would it be legal to put a tracking device on your cleaning lady to make sure you end up in a different county? 

- Jenni, Douglas Road

M y ex is a barrister, I don’t think a pinch of salt is near enough to take with some of the stuff he tells me. I said, how would you defend a Douglas Road princess who put a tracking device on her cleaning lady. He said I’d start by check ing if the judge was in her brother’s class in Pres. 

#CaseDismissed

Hi Audrey, I took m y eye off the ball booking tennis camps for the kids and could only get them a place near Frankfield , #Morto. Orla Mac took a video of me dropping them off there this morning and is threatening to report me to the discipline committee of Skinny Bishopstown Moms Who Are Always Looking to Trade Up . Do you have decent excuse I could use to explain what I was doing in Frankfield ?

 - Deirdre, Bishopstown

I asked Alexa. Me: Hey Alexa, what is the number one thing to do in Frankfield? Alexa: Abandon all hope. (Did you know Alexa is from the Douglas Road? I suppose she was bound to be with a name like that.)