Auld Lehane's advice for frugal farmers on Valentine's Day
I didn't get where I am today in farming by going crazy on Valentine's Day. And neither will you. So, zip up your old wallet.
I realise many of you believe you have to spend wildly on Valentine's Day.
That you have to be like Richard Burton, lavishing gifts on Liz Taylor.
Well, you don't. Far from it.
As a farmer, under constant pressure from above, beyond and down below, I know exactly what it's like to 'celebrate' the big day without going mad.
Diamonds might be a girl's best friend, but they are no friend of mine.
And I didn't get where I am today in farming by going crazy on Valentine's Day. And neither will you.
So, zip up your old wallet.
Valentino might have been a great lover, but he would have been a lousy farmer.
There can still be great romance on Valentine's Day, but without the finances.
Here are 10 tips on how the hard-pressed farmer can get over the Valentine's Day hump and still be able to pay the vet and the Co-op at the end of the month.
There is no better way to avoid a spending splash on Valentine's Day, than by suddenly getting very busy on the farm.
Far better to be under there and have oil dripping on your face, rather than being in some fancy restaurant and having beads of sweat dripping down on your face as you anticipate the bill.
This never fails. It can be the hip, the back or the knee. The options are endless, especially when you are an under-pressure farmer.
Denny from always claimed to have a bad leg. I doubt if he did. Denny was a rogue. The stunt gained him all kinds of privileges.
All you really need to do is moan in your bed from early morning, and your problems will soon be over.
Not only will you escape the Valentine's Day festivities, but you will also have spent the day in bed. A double victory.
Yes, by all means, go for a meal with your better half, but make sure to avoid any place where you have to sit down.
If you sit down at all, they have you.
Look out for signs like 'take away', and you won't go far wrong.
The food will be just the same, but it will only be a fraction of the cost.
Eating a romantic dinner in the car, the jeep or up in the tractor can be just the same as eating in the Ritz.
We are unbelievably fortunate this year as February 14 falls on a Saturday.
And Saturday, as you all know, is the day when Macroom comes alive to the sound of the bullock and the heifer.
So, spend your day at Macroom mart, and you will be able to hide away in the main ring for hours.
The fun usually starts at 10am, and it can go on until well into the evening. Fortune is on our side this year my friend.
Balloons, my dear man, are a real winner with the ladies, and one of the cheapest options out there.
They work just as well as a bouquet of flowers, yet only cost a fraction of the price.
But buyer beware.
Avoid helium-filled balloons. These overinflated creations can only be afforded by the millionaires of Monaco.
Balloons are fine and cheap so long as you provide the wind.
And so long as you have enough wind in your lungs, blow them balloons to the max.
A half dozen well-filled multicoloured balloons on Valentine's Day, can say more than a thousand words ever did.
The brilliant thing about the beach is that it's free!
And nothing says 'I love you' more than a nice free stroll along a cold beach in February.
Yes, it might be raining, it might even be snowing, but, damn it man, come hell or high water, get to the strand.
You might end up with pneumonia, but in the long run, it will save you a fortune.
"Life is like a box of chocolates," Forrest Gump used to say.
And while he was wrong in many ways, old Forrest was talking sense here. There is nothing that can bring greater joy on Valentine's Day than a box of chocolates.
But buyer be warned.
If there is fancy writing on the cover and a bit of decorative ribbon, stay away from them.
Avoid such expensive varieties, like a bullock with bluetongue.
There can be a ferocious price difference between a box of fancy packaged chocolates and a box of regular chocolates. They both do the same thing. Trust me.
Keep it simple, just like Forrest.
It's about time we worked bluetongue to our advantage. Tell her between bluetongue and Mercosur, you don't know where to turn. She might even believe it. It's worth a gamble.
There is nothing like a bunch of flowers on Valentine's Day to show how much you care.
And while perhaps not the best time of the year to go hunting around the farm for wild flowers, hunt regardless.
The farm won't let you down. You are bound to come up with something close to colourful vegetation if you search long enough.
If all else fails, if all my advice falls on deaf ears, well then, my friend, crank open the old wallet and spend.
While I might encourage frugality, at the end of the day, no matter what you spend on Valentine's Day, it won't amount to much over the long term.
In spite of everything I said, perhaps Valentine's Day is not a day for counting the cost, only counting your blessings.
