Valentine's Day: Denny Lehane's ten tips for farmers
For those dreading the big day, your favourite Farming columnist, Denis Lehane, has pieced together a few handy tips to help us get over the line.
With Valentine's Day closing in faster than a wild bullock down an alleyway, it's important that we ensure all is as it should be in the romance department.
There's no point in crying after the horse has bolted or the milk has been spilt.
For those who are dreading the big day (and I do myself sometimes), I have pieced together a few handy tips to help us get over the line.
And while I'm not in the business of scaremongering, remember, in farming, if romance dies, it's a tragedy. And if your wife runs off with a gigolo, she could take half the farm with her!
So keep your wits about you.
Panic is a dead giveaway.
It's a sign that you have completely forgotten about Valentine's Day.
If you have forgotten, and you are lying there in bed realizing the day has dawned, and you are empty-handed, say nothing.
You will be able to purchase something later in the day to do the trick.
For now, just keep your eyes closed and your mouth shut, too; you may even drift back to sleep.
Don't just lie there in bed like a big ape.
Get up and get busy. Put the kettle on, light the fire, and let out the hens.
Show her that you are a man of action.
Sure, it's Valentine's Day, but life has to go on.
It can be comforting, it can be romantic.
I've had it served to me countless times.
Now it's your turn.
Find the kettle, find the teabags.
All set?
Did you make the toast?
Damn you, man! Do I have to tell you everything?
Beneath the surface of every hard man, even the most dedicated farmer, there lies a romantic softie.
Even the Bull McCabe was a romantic old fool.
In the movie 'The Field, ' the spark of romance is still there between The Bull and his ravishing wife, Maggie.
I could see it as clear as day.
Admittedly, it was not perhaps as obvious as the love between Richard Gere and Julia Roberts in the movie 'Pretty Woman'. But it was there nonetheless.
It was just that The Bull McCabe found it hard to show it, and he was busy fighting for the field, tossing a donkey off a cliff edge and killing the Yank. We can all have our off days. So let that inner romantic old fool out on Valentine's Day.
If you are the kind to take your wellington boots inside and perhaps wear them by the fire, as some do, I would strongly suggest you desist from the practice for the duration of Valentine's Day.
While the wellington boot is an essential tool on the land, it's not necessary in the kitchen.
Comfortable as it may be, as you stretch by the fire, try and keep them outside.
They are a mood killer. Especially on a day when refinement and glamour are to the fore.
Make some excuse about needing to head to town to the vets.
Now this will be your chance to make hay while the sun shines.
You are not actually going to the vet at all, you are going to town to spend wildly on your better half.
But should you need something from the vet, it wouldn't be any crime to slip in there also.
But remember, the main priority of your visit is to stock up on romantic paraphernalia, so don't get sidetracked with talk of scour powder and pap ointment. If you do happen to visit the vet, be brief.
The Valentine's Day shopping list should consist of the following.
Chocolates: You needn't go mad here. A nice handy box of chocs will do. Nobody expects you to be Willie Wonka.
Flowers: You needn't go mad here either. You live on a farm for crying out loud. Vegetation is all around. Nobody is really too interested in adding to it.
A card: You will have to spend here, for alas, the card manufacturers of the world are a plague on society.
They know that they have you like a goat caught by the horns.
If you fail to get to town and your arms are as empty as my bank account, don't fret, surprise her by announcing that you will be taking her out for a sumptuous meal.
It will be virtually impossible for you to book a table on Valentine's Day. What were you thinking?
Any restaurant worth a damn will be busier than the mart on the day of a Fat Stock Sale.
But you have the skills to fix any problem. Remember, you are a farmer, after all.
If you can deliver a calf in the dark or reverse a cow-box towards the loading bay at a busy livestock sale, you will find a table.
Use your farming skills. They never fail.
There is no point in celebrating Valentine's Day and you foaming at the mouth about some calamity to do with fertiliser pricing. Forget about farming for one day.
You simply cannot be going around the place like a contrary ram wearing a restricted harness on the most romantic day of the year.
Relax and smile; things could be a lot worse.
Don't be worried about the lack of hay in the barn, or silage in the pit.
The farm will still be there tomorrow.
And provided you play your cards right and become as romantic as Valentino himself, it won't be split down the middle anytime soon.
