Farmers in space - and beyond
If there are alien-inhabited planets, of course, that means there are alien farmers too, writes Denis Lehane.
NASA's famous James Webb space telescope spotted something very exciting in the distant sky the other day.
It found a faraway planet surrounded by swirling hot sand clouds.
Clouds that are constantly rising, mixing and moving during the day.
Investigations are at an early stage, at present, with the sand clouds being a bit of a puzzle.
Well, they are no puzzle to a farmer like me.
l know exactly what is causing the swirling hot sand clouds, and you do too.
The story is an all too familiar one for us farmers, it has all the hallmarks of a reseeding job.
Clearly, an alien, an alien farmer of some description - quite possibly a man with three heads and 13 ears - has been out on his tractor all day on that distant planet.
Working his backside off, like we do here on Earth. He may have two backsides for all I know, and for all I care.
Anyhow, he was there, possibly after the evening tea, doing one more round of the field with his leveller and rising a dust cloud like you wouldn't believe when our famous James Webb satellite rolled past.
"Boy golly," says he to his alien missus, "but that's a strange-looking apparatus up there above the dust clouds."
I remember doing a bit of reseeding myself on this farm, about 25 years ago.
A three-acre plot just behind the milking stall that's still holding good today.
Well, the amount of dust and sand I threw up into the air as I zoomed up and down the reddened field would make Lawrence of Arabia blush.
It could be seen from Mars, I imagine.
It was just like the alien world, only without all the hullabaloo.
It was a reseeding job that was being done on that distant planet as sure as day follows night.
And speaking of days. Days on the newly discovered planet last for 22 hours.
Can you imagine how much work the farmers up there can pack into a single day? The mind boggles.
Anyhow the researchers who found the planet have called it VHS 1256 b. But I'm sure a better name will be conjured up later on.
As to crow flies, it's about 40 lightyears away from Earth, which might sound like a stretch.
Guaranteed, by the time I am 80, we will have touched down on planet VHS 1256 b, and will have set up a cattle ranch and a mart to boot, possibly near an alien town where drink will flow and old stories will be spun.
And in that faraway mart, we will bid for stock — strange-looking stock for sure, but cattle none the same.
With that new online bidding system, the world and beyond is your oyster.
Now back to the reality of the present.
In order to further the cause on planet VHS 1256 b, might I suggest that someone like me be drafted in to say something inspiring over the tannoy to the good citizens of this alien land.
I could tell them about my terrible life here in Kilmichael, and of all the strife I have to endure as I struggle to keep my cattle fenced in.
I might then perhaps enquire as to the availability of round bale silage on planet VHS 1256 b.
For on planet Earth right now, with a winter that is refusing to leave the stage, bales have become pretty scarce.
Distance would be no problem at this stage, even a trip to VHS 1256 b wouldn't be out of the question, if the feed was up to scratch.
We might begin with round bales and talk about other intergalactic matters once all the dust has settled.
