Denis Lehane: "Don’t you worry, Eamon Ryan has it all worked out"

Having come across an old friend in Amsterdam, Denis Lehane relays the message that Environment Minister Eamon Ryan has everything under control

Denis Lehane bumps into an old friend in Amsterdam and tells him all the goings-on in the farming world back home.

Some of you heard I was in Amsterdam recently. What I neglected to mention to anyone was the reason for my visit.

As it had very little to do with farming, l felt it would be of no interest to anybody.

Well, more the fool me, for it has become the talk of the place. “What was auld Lehane doing in Amsterdam?”

So, in order to quell the rumour mill, for some right scandalous suggestions have been made, today I will reveal all.

I was in Amsterdam with the Irish karate team. They needed me there for as the father of one of the Irish team members, I was a vital cog, I suspect, to the smooth running of the event.

True to form, the Irish team didn’t disappoint when it came to scrapping - they came away with plenty of silverware.

Anyhow, with time to kill one evening, I was walking along a very friendly street and heard my name being bellowed out from some quarter.

Turning sharply around I came face to face with a man known far and wide for his exploits in Amsterdam.

Paddy left Ireland back in the 1980s with nothing more than a shovel over his shoulder and a determination to help with the Netherlands' greatest project - keeping the water out.

Paddy was as mad as a hatter back then, and time hasn’t altered him much.

So there he was, in front of me now with the shovel still firmly grasped.

“Good God Paddy!” says I. “I thought you had died. I thought you had been carried out to sea years ago.”

Paddy laughed of course for he was glad not to be dead.

“The Netherlands,” says he, “Has come under sustained pressure from the sea, particularly at night.”

“It’s gone so bad now,” he roared (even though I was only three feet away), “That I can only sleep soundly once my shovel is in bed with me.”

Paddy was always a bit of a loon, but sure, nobody is perfect.

And then I went on to explain that global warming was the reason for all the floods. “It has the place destroyed,” I explained.

But then I told him the good news that we have got the situation under control.

“Minister Eamon Ryan back home in Ireland,” I predicted, “Will cut cattle numbers so low that the sea will subside.”

Paddy was delighted to hear this for the sea has plagued him most of his life.

But he was confused too.

“How will culling cows and putting decent hardworking farmers out of business help anything?” he asked.

“God Paddy,” says I, “You really are in the dark ages. ‘Tis the cows belching that has us all in terrible trouble. Eamonn Ryan has it all worked out.”

“It’s very scientific,” I stressed, “And way beyond what you or I might dream up.”

Paddy, although crazy in many ways, was soon converted to Eamonn Ryan’s way of thinking.

It would be safe to say they were on the same wavelength.

“I like his style,” Paddy bellowed.

And with that Paddy was greatly relieved. His worst days were now behind him.

He shook my hand, waved goodbye and as he swung his shovel over his shoulder he began to whistle a tune in tribute to Eamonn Ryan - a man rural Ireland won’t forget in a hurry.