TONIGHT’S the night, people.

BEING new to football — that is, having gotten into it in my 40s as opposed to my teens — it still remains something of a mystery.

NORMALLY you feel regret when couples break up.

IN A mixture of keeping up with the Joneses and trying desperately to keep up with the 21st century, you might find yourself in a place so alien to your usual environment that you are finding it hard to breathe normally while remaining upright.

SOMEONE sends a cartoon they’ve found on Twitter. Across the top it reads “Behind every great novelist is ...” and underneath are a row of little drawings.

IF you love camping but hate the rain, you have three choices. You can (a) stay at home and watch telly, (b) go camping in a country with a decent climate, or (c) cop out and rent a motor home.

THIS may not come as much of a newsflash, but it’s the Queen’s 60th anniversary of being the Queen of England. Sixty years of matching hats, gloves, and asking ‘and what do you do?’

OUR next door neighbour is selling his house. It has been empty for a while now, but he comes around a few times a week to do the garden, which contains rows of perfectly organised flowers. He is very polite.

FEW word combinations cause more consternation than ‘gay’ and ‘marriage’.

MY fortysomething friend’s twentysomething daughter has just had her second baby.