THE PEOPLE bidding to buy a divided Liverpool are themselves divided. Of course they are. How could it be otherwise in such crackpot times?

AS THE philosopher once said, “Make them laugh, make them laugh. Don’t you know all the world wants to laugh?”

I DO my bit for the environment. In order to save paper, I asked the editor if I could redirect readers to a December column and have the week off.

IT’S not often you feel gratitude towards Everton, especially after such a dismal cup exit, but I needed a little quiet time at the weekend.

TWO managers under fire go head to head”. That’s how Saturday’s game was described in the big build-up.

HE’S STILL telling people he wants to concentrate on football. One day he may even mean it.

JUST want to concentrate on football”. No honestly, that’s what he said! People have asked on many occasions why my outlook is so gloomy. In reply I give you the extraordinary events of the last month as Exhibits A-Z. I can’t begin to convey how unhappy I was in December, for obvious reasons. It’s equally difficult to measure the fillip from the mauling of Newcastle, but it’s almost as if someone flicked a switch: “Getting too good now, time for a reality check”.

TO-DO list: Argue with Americans. Get rid of Parry. Stir embers of Ferguson feud. Check on Gerrard’s court case. Remove kidney stones. Kick off about the Academy. Blame someone for Agger’s contract stalling.

FOOTBALL can be tedious. Writing about it can sometimes seem like drawing blood from a stone.

BRING back hanging. I don’t care if he is our best player. Requesting a Phil Collins record surely deserves a much stiffer penalty.