Ask Audrey: Huge excitement among Cork intelligentsia - all three seen in the Hi-B at weekend

She's been sorting out Cork people for ages...

C’mere, what’s the story with art? I seen your man Leo Varadkar is promising money to revamp the Crawford Art Gallery in Cork, so posh people will have somewhere to stand scratching their chin and saying, I do be a complete intellectual.

Why can’t that money be spent on something that everyone would like, for example free drink or maybe a National Museum of Darts?— Dowcha Donie, Blackpool,it’s basically a tax on Norries

It’s about time ye paid it.

There is huge excitement among the Cork intelligentsia about this extra money from Dublin — all three of them were seen in the Hi-B last weekend, trying to drink their way through it (talk about commitment).

My source in the Crawford tells me they are using some of the money to entice members of the lower orders into the gallery. Apparently they are going to set aside one whole room for pictures of hunting dogs, playing cards around a table. (Won’t that be grand for ye now?)

Hello old stock. I’m in a spot of bother with the HR people in the office. We had a work thing last night, there were pints involved and I told this gorgeous Spanish girl from marketing that I really liked her dress. She said that’s an outrageous thing to say to a woman at work.

So I said, OK, to be honest I don’t think that dress does anything for your figure. That made things a lot worse. Do you think I should buy her flowers?— Reggie, Blackrock,she called me a dinosaur

If only you were extinct. My 23-year-old niece is a social media influencer who describes herself as hyper-woke (I don’t know what that means either).

I asked her what should a middle-aged rugby fan, who likes his pints, say to a woman under 30. She said you should say sorry. I said for what? She said, everything.

How’re oo’ goin’ on? Herself spent good money to attend a ‘Be All You Can Be’ optimism conference in Bantry last weekend, refreshments not included. Didn’t she come home and announce she would like to have another child, and her 64.

Apparently they can do amazing things nowadays and I have nothing to worry about because didn’t Gabriel Byrne become a father at the age of 67. How might I talk her out of it?— Dan Paddy Andy, head out beyond Glengarriff until you see a man googling DIY vasectomy kits

Let me start by saying I’m after three gin and tonics. (I need something to help when I’m advising old people about their sex lives — otherwise I end up saying ‘Would ye not be better off watching Nationwide?’) Anyway, where were we?

Oh yes, I was having a fantasy moment about Gabriel Byrne until I looked him up on the internet, and to be honest he’s starting to look a bit like Keith Richards. I hope that helps you now.

Dude, what is like totally going on? I am 98% at home in my new place just outside Ballydehob, after moving from Dalkey because my old man kept niggling me about my beard and semi-vegetarianism (I can’t resist chicken — sorry guys).

So, ya, I’m totally down with you boggers now except for one thing — the Country and Irish Music they play on C103 radio. They’ve got songs with names like ‘She gave a hickey in Ballylickey’. Dude, shouldn’t there like totally be a law against that kind of stuff?— Kai (not my real name),Ballydehob

A lot of people are surprised when they move down to west Cork. They expect a haven for culture and ideas, but it’s mainly bingo and people arguing over the rules on Winning Streak.

I stopped laughing at country singers when I found out how much money they make.

So much so, that I’ve written the opening lines of a Country and Irish hit of my own: “I worried that I was an alcoholic, until I went to Ballincollig.” I think I might have a hit on my hands. Or maybe a lawsuit.

I think I’m in love. I’ve gone to my GP eight times this week because he’s the bulb off David Beckham. He said I don’t think there is anything I can do to help.

I said what about getting me a medical card, all these visits are costing a fortune. Is there any way I can stop this?— Lisa, Model Farm Road, do you know anyone who can give me the flu?

My Conor seems to have it 11 months of the year, and I have to say he’s a fantastic kisser (If you like Spearmint chewing gum).

My cousin is a doctor (his mother never stops going on about it). I asked him, could you fall for a female patient who turns up at your door every day?

He said not a chance. I said why. He said because I’m gay. I said that’s the first I’ve heard of it — there’s a little detail your mother managed to keep to herself.

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