Sorting out Cork people for ages...
Q: Hey, Ken here from Douglas Road Doctors With American Accents. I’m wearing a pair of designer Crocs from Italy right now that are worth more than your entire wardrobe and I don’t think there is anything you can do about that.
I smooth-talked this sick babe in Crane Lane last night, she had an American accent like me, so when she said, wanna come to back to mine, I was like, todally ya, without checking her address.
Cut to the chase, I’m trapped in her bedroom now in a northside council house and someone called ‘me mam’ is shouting “ask the boy do he like rashers?” up the stairs.
Is there a rapid response unit that can get me southside like now?
— Dr Ken, Douglas Road, I’m a fussy vegan, I’d never touch an animal.
A: I’m a fussy animal, I’d never touch a vegan. My nephew works in air-sea rescue. I said, the worst thing possible has just happened to a southside doctor. He said, oh God no, not a visit from the Revenue.
I’m the top social media influencer in the Western Europe measured by the number of Instagram Stories I post of me just popping into Brown Thomas to pick up a few bits.
So, I’ve decided to uber-hack my life, move house and change from being Turners Cross’ urban street answer to Ariana Grande into hippy rural vibe babe with chickens, a poncho and 500 euro wellies which I should be able to get for free.
The only problem is the influencing is getting fierce competitive and West Cork is so expensive I had to settle for Ballycotton #NobEnds #Gutted #MightasWellBeInWaterford.
So like, can I just pretend to be in Schull?
— @yousowishlike, Schull #SayNothing
[n]A: The Posh Cousin is very in tune on this front. I said, is it a good idea to lie because you’re embarrassed about your address. She said, where do you live?
I said, Ballinlough. She said, where did you say you live on your daughter’s application form for Scoil Mhuire.
I said, Billionaire Row, Blackrock Road. She said, did your daughter get her place? I said yes. She said, there you go. #FakeItAndYouMakeIt. (She actually said that last bit.)
Q: Our WhatsApp group, Douglas Road Moms with Head-Turning Muscle Tone is on fire about the Frozen 2 movie at the Cork Film Festival on Sunday week.
Obvs, we’re all dying to bring our daughters and Right-On Roisin is going to force her son to go as well because she’s on the committee for Cork Hippy Moms Against Gender Stereotypes and Fracking.
Anyway, I had a look there and the only tickets are for the stalls.
This wouldn’t matter in the Opera House, but the Everyman is on the northside, and the Norries will be able to roll down the hill after Sunday lunch of carvery and four pints of Fosters.
Can you get us a seat upstairs?
— Fiona, Douglas Road, we’ll bring our own food. #Norryflu
A: My neighbour was voted Cork Intellectual of the Year 2018, because he went into the Crawford Art Gallery once and didn’t use the jacks. I said will you be going to see Frozen 2? He said, not a chance.
I said why? He said, because I heard it’s enjoyable. (It’s not art if you enjoy it apparently.)
Q: Hi girl, I’ve started dating this American guy doing a PhD in UCC, you can see his teeth from space. (Not to mention his biceps, weak for him I am.)
He’s addicted to the old bang-bang in fairness, but he’s also over the top on the religion front what with being a Yank, and insists we say a few prayers before we get started.
Like, that’s grand if we were 108, but it’s weird out when you arrive home full of Mojitos and just want to jump his bones in the sack, do you know that kind of a way.
How can I tell him to cop himself on and keep God out of me knickers, like?
— Sinead, Vicars Road.
A: There’s an image I’ll struggle to get out of my head. My friend is a liberal priest.
I said, is it ok to talk to God before sex?
He said, I usually wait until the end. #OhGod #OhGod #VeryLiberal
Q: How’re oo’ goin’ on. Tim Pat Tim Pat Timmy Timmy Tim Pat rang me last night and the man in tears.
He met this one on a dating site for elderly West Cork people called CheckOutMyNewHipBaby.ie, and didn’t she give him the bullet over the state of his toe-nails.
Anyway, the grief has gone to his head and the clown has decided to go around Dunmanway telling people he’s this new thing now, self-partnered.
Sorry now boy I said, but that makes it sound like you’re interfering with yourself.
Am I right, tell me?
— Dan Paddy Andy, Dunmanway.
A: I never thought I’d say this to an elderly man from West Cork – but I think you might be right.
I was reading about your one Emma Watson saying she’s ‘self-partnered’ these days.
I’d love to tell you what that made me think about her — but the lawyers won’t let me use the word w***er.