Last gasp in epic battle reveals true state of nation

AT 11am yesterday morning, after all the bile and heat of the previous year, the US presidential election came to a close as quietly as you’d blow out a candle.

George W Bush picked up the phone to receive a call from John Kerry. The call, according to Bush aides, lasted five minutes and was cordial.

Once he put down the receiver Bush turned to his closest aides and said: "We have won, team."