TV verdict: No satisfaction for Mick Jagger. Even less for Thomas Tuchel

England manager Thomas Tuchel reacts on the touchline. Pic: Bradley Collyer/PA Wire

Welcome to fair Atlanta where we lay our scene and where a football match is trying its best to break out of a nigglefest and failing badly. Proceedings are predictably and gratifyingly petty.

Fernandez on Anderson. Anderson on Messi. There’s even a couple of tackles that, incredibly, are not fouls. Down with this sort of thing.

A text arrives from a friend in Boston. 

“Seen this ref many times in games here and as you see he allows everyone kick the crap out of each other.” Quite; the first yellow card is not brandished till the 38th minute. Janey.

England goalkeeper Dean Henderson (right) applauds the fans following the loss. Pic: Bradley Collyer/PA Wire

“This is just messy now,” Darragh Maloney laments on RTÉ before realising what he’s said and appending a neat coda. “And not Lionel Messi.” 

Elsewhere Djed Spence, an improbable breakout star of England’s campaign, continues to channel his inner Roberto Carlos while the TV cameras, for want of anything more exciting to show, focus on famous faces in the stands. 

Fabio Capello. Mick Jagger, inevitably. David Beckham, even more inevitably. Of his eldest child there is no sign. Odd, that.

Argentina perk up as the half wears on. Darragh and Ray Houghton are worried for a certain England midfielder in his 284th match of the season. 

“Eliot Anderson has been prominent on the ball,” Darragh notes. “Declan Rice… hasn’t been.” 

Half-time and over on BBC they are, rightly, optimistic. Joe Hart is thrilled with the way England are standing up to Argentina “and smacking them back”. 

Micah Richards is loving the “passion, desire, tackles, fouls – it’s had everything in the middle of the field.” 

Anthony Barry, Thomas Tuchel’s assistant and another of England’s improbable heroes, pops up and reveals that they “wanted to be the aggressor, wanted to be on the front foot”. 

It worked up to the first water break, after which it didn’t. 

“But it’s still absolutely okay.” 

Ultimate objective? 

“For our Premier League power and physicality to open them up later on.”

England manager Thomas Tuchel speaking with his players at the hydration break. Pic: Martin Rickett/PA Wire

Back in Montrose, Didi Hamann, very reasonably, has England slightly ahead on points and with “every chance to progress” Rice comes back out for the second half, which is a surprise. 

Cristian Romero is soon booked, which isn’t.

Ten minutes in and Anthony Gordon wriggles in on the blind side to open the scoring. That’s Anthony Gordon of Barcelona. 

The phrase doesn’t sound nearly as strange as it did a few weeks ago.

Come the hour mark Darragh announces that England are 30 minutes away from a World Cup final for the first time since 1966. Easy, tiger.

The advertised football match has finally broken out, all niggles forgotten. Argentina begin to turn the screw. 

John Stones is forced into a fine defensive header and Jordan Pickford makes a goalline save from Nico Gonzalez.

Eighteen minutes from time Tuchel does something that in the there and then, never mind with the benefit of hindsight, looks extremely ill advised. 

Instead of replacing Anthony Gordon of Barcelona with a like for like sub – Saka or Rashford or Eze or even, bless him, Madueke – he replaces him with Ezri Konsa, a bog-standard centre-back from the Greater Birmingham area.

No. Just no.

Emboldened, Argentina continue to pour forward. McAllister hits the upright. Unlucky? Not according to Ray. “He’s got to score. Simple as that.” 

Darragh accuses England of sitting back and inviting Argentina on. He hasn’t seen the half of it because presently Dan Burn, a man who was never likely to be discombobulated by having to appear at altitude in the Azteca, is on. 

This is gonna be a rearguard action and it’s gonna be a rearguard action because Tuchel has decided it should be.

With five minutes of normal time remaining Enzo Fernandez equalises with a sidewinder, a rocket of a shot that curls away from Pickford. It’s been coming. England have been punished for sitting back. Ray lauds Argentina’s spirit. “They never know when they’re beaten!”

Cut to an unhappy looking Mick Jagger. 

Darragh, not about to look a gift horse in the mouth and, cracks a gag about the degree of satisfaction he may or may not be deriving from matters right now. Can someone start England up again?

A police officer breaks up an argument between Argentina and England supporters as they leave the Atlanta Stadium. Pic: James Manning/PA Wire

Someone can’t. No one can. Nine minutes of injury time have to be negotiated and if there’s to be another goal it patently won’t be scored by the team in white.

And thus, with remorseless predictability, it comes to pass. Messi with the cross. Lautaro Martinez with the header, getting between Konsa (aha!) and Stones. That’s that. A country’s 60 years of hurt will continue.

Joanne Cantwell, a black belt when it comes to hopping a ball, innocently suggests that Tuchel might have questions to answer. Her panellists fasten on the orb like a pack of ravening wolves.

“Disastrous,” scoffs Richard Sadlier. “The fear factor,” sighs Shay Given. “Rashford should have come on for Kane to play on the counter,” says Didi. Oh and Pickford should have taken his hand away prior to the corner for the equaliser.

Poor England. No satisfaction for them. And definitely no satisfaction for Mick.