Sinead Farrelly felt ‘physically ill’ with fear until game started

Sinead Farrelly dream of playing at a World Cup has been a rocky road but that dream finally came through against Australia

Mon, 24 Jul, 2023 - 02:00

John Fallon

In the dark moments, Sinead Farrelly retrieves a journal from her satchel to colour the mood.

Within its covers are the American’s deepest thoughts, reflections and objectives.

She’s beyond the stage in her life when thoughts were trapped inside her tortured soul, imprisoned by insecurities.

The person who most needs to hear and read the Farrelly chronicles is herself. Even if that’s daily therapy.

Giddiness has been interspersed with pride among the Ireland squad upon their tournament debuts, at the World Cup no less.

Various tales have emerged from the players before and after Thursday’s momentous occasion against Australia. 75,000 lucky ticket holders and millions watching globally.

Lifelong memories. Optimal experience to share with the grandchildren.

Farrelly harbours no bitterness at skipping that opportunity 12 years previously.

What possessed her to reject a call-up by the World Cup-bound USA chequered the narrative around their trip to Germany.

How could a player turn down the chance to feature for the favourites?

Especially one rated second only to Alex Morgan in the NWSL draft picks for college graduates that year.

It would be a decade before an explanation, albeit warped, emerged.

When Farrelly returned from a US camp, her club coach at Independence Paul Riley accused her of disloyalty.

If she was to be the World Cup star, he had to be the manager; all woven into the coercive behaviour she’d allege and he would strenuously deny.

Brain scans in 2014 diagnosed migraines, without any medical flaw. She felt trapped in every respect, the anxiety compounded by silence.

It’s well documented by now how the trauma, coupled with a car crash, prompted an eight-year break from football.

Only in the last few months has she felt ready to return, gradually for Gotham and then the country of her Dad Sean’s birth.

Achieving her World Cup dream doesn’t mark the closure, merely the starting point.

"I can look back on my life and trust that everything happened the way it was meant to happen,” she says, assessing that sliding doors moment of 2011.

“I think there was a time when I was living in my past. More of a victim mentality. Why me? My life should look like this. Now I am in a state of gratitude. I trust that I am where I am meant to be."

Does that infer her love for football was rekindled on that pitch as she stared up into the packed Stadium Australia crowd?

"I want to say yes,” she cautiously offers.

“I was so nervous and filled with a lot of fear and had a lot of anxiety, so that clouds it sometimes.

"When the game started, I was fine but for 24 hours before it I was physically ill. I did not feel good.

“I was just trusting when the whistle blew I would be okay. That is all I could hope for.

"You have to focus on the game and not be in your own head so it ended up being okay.

“There were a lot of emotions and energy in that first game, but I did fine.

“I was trying my best to be present. I really want to enjoy every moment of this. There are a lot of layers to this and a lot of emotions. It is not as easy as that sometimes although I wish it was.

"I am enjoying it as much as I can. I know this is a special moment and it means a lot and I just feel grateful to be here and to have the opportunity.”

Listening to Farrelly pour her soul out in the lobby of a Brisbane hotel seems like therapy because it is. There’s an author in there, should she seek a tributary once her football career ceases for a second and final time.

"I’ve been journalling like forever - I just love to write,” she outlines.

“Sometimes it’s taking notes, writing prayers and getting my feelings out.

“Sometimes it’s like me being analytical. But it’s better for me to get it out of paper rather than keep it inside.

“After Thursday’s game, I wrote in the journal for a long time. It’s helpful to do affirmations at times.

“Because my mind will lie to me and tell me, you know it’s your fault the team lost or something. So I just have to write over and over again. It’s not your fault we lost! It’s not your fault we lost!

"It’s almost like I’m in a constant battle with myself. That’s not forever. And I’ve made a lot of progress.

“But when you’re fighting against the way your brain has worked for decades, it just takes a little bit of time. I know by now that I can’t give those thoughts space. I have to immediately contrast them with a positive, or the opposite of them.

“Sometimes I will just write the same thing over and over again. And it will just relieve that illusion I have."

However far Ireland ventures in this World Cup, internal peace is closer for Farrelly.

"There were so many years where this did not feel possible and I am in awe of that,” she surmises.

“Again, there are a lot of emotions. It cannot be at once; let it come in little pieces."