Enda McEvoy: Talking Heads and a once in a lifetime shock upset

TV TAKES: A general view of a TV gantry. Pic: Alessandra Tarantino - Pool/Getty Images

And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack. And you may find yourself in front of the telly, bleary of eye and clutching pen and paper, at the unconscionable hour of 10am. And you may ask yourself, “What the hell was I thinking of to sign up for this?”

Argentina versus Saudi Arabia in the Lusail Iconic Stadium first. Not a very evocative name, huh? God be with the days when Jimmy Magee was doing his stuff in exotic outposts such as Cordoba, Mendoza and Guadalajara. (If you’re old enough, just try enunciating those places in Jimmy’s voice. “Cor-DO-ba! Men-DO-za! Guad-a-la-JARA!!!” Ah yes. Don’t dare try to tell me the world, or at any rate the world of commentary, has changed for the better.)

But here’s the surprise. Argentina and the Saudis proves to be quite the ride. A once in a lifetime affair, you might say…

At half-time the favourites lead 1-0. Or, rather, the favourites lead 1(+3)-0. One valid goal, three invalidated by VAR for offside. On the one hand Messi et al might be out of sight; on the other hand they’re fortunate to have the goal they do have, the result of the most harmless of penalties.

“Consternation in the studio at the penalty,” Peter Collins declares drolly at the interval. To Kevin Doyle it “wasn’t a foul”, to Kenny Cunningham it was a “rotten” call. The disallowed goals, they agree, were correct decisions albeit narrow.

Within ten minutes of the restart things have changed so utterly that Yeats might have been impelled to write a poem. Saudi Arabia equalise, then take the lead.

Good pundits don’t talk about what the viewer has just seen; they talk about what the viewer hasn’t just seen. They bring us behind the curtain and use their experience and greater knowledge to process, interpret, explain and add value.

Thus Alan Cawley, on co-comms with Adrian Eames, on the second Saudi goal. In trying to save Al Dawsari’s curling shot Emi Martinez has, Cawley notes, led with his wrong – ie near – hand instead of opting for his left hand, which would have allowed him an additional split-second to get glove to leather.

Kenny will do a similar job later on for the first Saudi goal, observing – as befits a former defender – that instead of tackling with his left leg Cristian Romero “should have planted it and gone with his right”. This kind of enlightenment makes the licence fee less of an irritant.

The underdogs keep Argentina out with some ease thereafter. They’re energetic and athletic, their centre-backs are immovable and their goalie Mohammed Al-Owais is simultaneously safe and flamboyant without overdoing the showmanship.

Only Peter Collins knows when he came up with his payoff line but no matter. He goes for it and he goes all in. 

“There won’t be an oil well drilled in Riyadh tonight!” Okay, it’s not totally original, but if you want to copy someone – as we all do, day after day, in some way or other - then Marty Morrissey is unquestionably your only man. And full marks to Peter for geographical precision.

On RTÉ 1 Eileen Whelan, doing the lunchtime news, hails the result as a “shock upset”. Heady stuff indeed. Not just a shock, not just an upset but a shock upset, nothing less. One is reminded of Blackadder. 

“A fate worse than a fate worse than death? Interesting.”

By their nature scoreless draws are unattractive sounding entities. Denmark v Tunisia turns out to be a lively and engaging scoreless draw, with Kasper Schmeichel bringing off a terrific save from Issam Jebali shortly before half-time to prevent his team falling behind.

Twelve minutes from the end the Eagles of Carthage bring on the impressively coiffured Man Utd youngster Hannibal Mejbri. Would that the competition were taking place in Italy rather than Qatar. In a novel tribute to his slightly more celebrated namesake, this Hannibal could have travelled there via the Alps. On an elephant.

Mexico versus Poland? Another 0-0, largely because Guillermo Ochoa saves a penalty from Robert Lewandowski. Shay Given, who’s taken over for the night shift with Joanne Cantwell and Stephen Kelly, deconstructs the incident from the goalie’s point of view and refers to his own experience practising penalties with Alan Shearer. 

“Even when Shearer told me which corner he was going for I couldn’t stop them. Such power.”

Another RTÉ pundit brings us behind the curtain and makes us wiser. It’s been a good day for them, a bad day for Argentina and a long day for your correspondent, who is off for a lie down in that shotgun shack.