2007: a whole new ball game

IT’S that time of year again, when your football correspondent turns ‘Mystic Mackey’ — not to be confused with ‘Missed-It Mackey’ which is how I was affectionately known in my playing days.

With 2007 staggering into view, Nike have kindly sent me their latest, most advanced crystal ball, one which they say is guaranteed to generate hitherto unknown properties of spin, swerve, centrifugal force and that especially strange movement — the one scientists technically call ‘straight’ — which can cause the likes of David James to drop it for no apparent reason.

Bear in mind then that the following random and floating visions of the year ahead may be subject to a certain amount of distortion, rather in the way that, say, Jose Mourinho tends to see things on a pitch differently to the rest of humanity.

Sporting politics: a thaw in relations between the FAI and the GAA leads to a series of reciprocal, confidence-building gestures. As a mark of respect to native tradition, kick off in the historic first meeting between the Republic of Ireland and Wales is delayed for 30 minutes, as soccer fans enjoy the novelty of sipping pints in the pubs around Croke Park and wandering into the venue only when the mood takes them.

And in response to the GAA’s kind gesture in allowing Steve Staunton’s men to have a midnight training session in Parnell Park, the FAI insist on making Tolka Park available for the All-Ireland Hurling Final. In a moving show of solidarity with their League of Ireland counterparts, hurling aficionados stay away from the game in droves, with the result that Cork defeat Kilkenny before an all-time record low attendance of 1,192.

Sadly, the peace dividend is nowhere to be seen on the ground in south county Dublin where increasingly militant local clubs, described by the GAA authorities as “dissidents, fair play to them”, create a no-go zone to keep what they call “the forces of crown football” out of their area.

“YOU ARE NOW ENTERING SOCCER-FREE TALLAGHT” is painted in huge letters on the side of the stand in the half-built ground next to the bypass. In a possibly related move, Shamrock Rovers announce that they have applied to play in the Irish League.

Domestic Football: Still reeling from the Hoops’ plan to roll north, the local game is rocked again when the FAI reveal that the new club to join the Premier Division will be called Asterisks United.

“The Asterisks have been such a mainstay of the domestic game over the years that’s it’s only right they should finally be officially designated a place in the top flight,” a spokesman explains. “Frankly, the league table would be barely recognisable without them,” he adds.*

It’s a busy year off the pitch for Shels chief executive Ollie Byrne, who initiates court action over the circumstances surrounding the demise of Drumcondra FC in 1972, arguing that all championships since then should be declared null and void. Having also taken court action against the outgoing league, the incoming league, four FAI officers and 17 journalists, Ollie crowns a hectic season by taking himself to court in the landmark ‘Byrne v Byrne’ case.

Meanwhile, in one of the strangest injuries on record, Cork City boss Damien Richardson is hospitalised after tripping over an especially big word.

International Football: Steve Staunton’s career hangs by a thread after the Republic of Ireland go down 3-0 away to San Marino. Afterwards, the manager insists that there are “plenty of positives to be taken from the game”, hails Shay Given for saving two penalties and begins muttering about “a 24-year plan”.

In a possibly related development, FAI boss John Delaney tries to set fire to 80 Merrion Square.

Amazingly, Ireland recover from this latest setback and embark on an unbeaten run which secures qualification for the European Championship finals in Austria and Switzerland. A triumphant Staunton is promptly sacked, with the FAI promising that “a top class coach with a proven international record” will be appointed in time for the tournament.

Alex Ferguson, Martin O’Neill and Guus Hiddink are all “linked with the job” which eventually goes to . . . Maurice Setters.

Roy Keane tries to set fire to himself.

Meanwhile, excitement mounts as a man is spotted leaning on pick-axe in Dublin 4. However, hopes of speedy progress towards a new Lansdowne Road are dampened when the FAI says construction of the tunnel alone will take seven years.

British Football: Following on the precedent established by his entertaining confrontation with Alan Pardew, Arsenal manager Arsene Wenger shocks the world by violently head-butting Jose Mourinho at the Emirates Stadium.

“It is the French way,” the Gunners boss tells an FA hearing.

Jose Mourinho shocks the entire solar system by apologising for the incident, suggesting that it was wrong of him to have provoked Wenger’s head with his chest.

Meanwhile, there’s glory for Scotland in Europe when, following in the footsteps of the celebrated ‘Lisbon Lions’, Celtic win the Champions’ League with a team drawn exclusively from the planet earth.

Rafa Benitez fields the same side two games in a row, Garth Crooks asks a vaguely interesting question and Rio Ferdinand is ruled out of football for weeks after tripping over an especially small word.

World Affairs: Lord Stevens gives Italian football “a clean bill of health” following a lengthy investigation. Sepp Blatter makes a sensible suggestion. Pigs fly.

And, finally, on a completely unrelated note: Q. What’s the difference between James Brown and Alex Ferguson?

A. Ferguson will be playing Giggs in the New Year.

* United deducted three points for licensing irregularities.