The FAI: whatever you say, never boring

PRESUMABLY you all saw the media coverage of the man who invaded the FAI headquarters in Merrion Square on Wednesday.

The man who invaded, a fan of Dundalk FC, threatened to burn down the building if his club weren’t allowed to run out of the tunnel first at games, or . . . er . . . what was the protest about, exactly?

Well, we’ll get back to that issue. We need to address some really burning question (sorry) in relation to this incident.

Whatever about Ireland’s position in the FIFA rankings, surely the FAI top any poll of Bizarre Crimes Involving A National Sporting Body. This latest escapade doesn’t even make the top three when it comes to weird crimes involving the FAI, a list that’s becoming increasingly inclusive.

Cast your mind back a few short weeks to August, when new manager Steve Staunton was confronted by at the team’s Portmarnock hotel by a man carrying a weapon. There’s Stan thinking that the worst he’ll face as gaffer is some light-hearted persecution of his ill parents when he comes slap bang against a man brandishing a firearm.

Well, that’s what it appeared to be at first. Subsequent investigations showed that it was a fake gun; it looked initially as if it were an offensive weapon but was something essentially harmless.

Think of Clinton Morrison if you’re still not sure what we’re talking about.

Just over three years ago the Ireland team hotel played host to another excited visitor, when an armed raider fired a shotgun blast into the ceiling of the hotel as players enjoyed an evening meal. Perhaps on reflection “enjoyed” is not the operative word in this context. (Didn’t anyone tell the gunman that the only way to get results if you’re unhappy with service is a forceful letter of complaint?)

Then, to cap it all, there was the case of the quick-thinking courier. Almost five years ago a package with players’ expenses — almost €9,000 in total — was ready for collection from the office at Merrion Square. When a courier arrived to deliver it to the team hotel the package was handed over, leading to a certain amount of embarrassment when the real courier turned up a short time later and the cash never turned up at the team hotel.

Presumably the cash-strapped players were somehow able to shake some crack out of their evening despite having their bobs whipped.

Funnily enough, at the time of the courier incident the FAI stated that it was going to “review its procedures” when it came to access to the inner sanctum.

Obviously this review means that while men in biker outfits and bicycle helmets must pass through a scanner and X-ray machine to get into the building, anyone turning up with a lighter in one hand and a canister full of petrol in the other has free rein to roam the building.

(Note to would-be columnists: insert pun drawing comparison between Ireland’s defence against Cyprus and FAI security measures anywhere here).

We should be careful in discussing the incident last Wednesday, though not for anything to do with Dundalk FC. For instance, this was not a “siege” at Merrion Square. One man cannot surround a building on his own, no matter how large he is in the waist. And particularly if he’s inside the building.

Neither was it a “stand-off”: the invader was hanging out the window to shake hands with Dundalk manager John Gill, so maybe “lean-off” would be more accurate.

At least nobody was injured, which was something.

To be honest, the only one who appeared to suffer in this whole affair was the FAI Christmas tree, which was doused in petrol and had to be removed from the premises. Hopefully the tree wasn’t asked by the guards to blow into the bag on the drive back to work this morning.

And Dundalk FC’s grievance, it was about relegation, apparently, Our theory is that that’s a smokescreen, a theory bolstered by the fact that the man who burst into FAI HQ, Mr McAllister, is a steward at their ground.

Whatever about relegation, Dundalk could be just the organisation to look after FAI security. As a partnership it looks just like last Wednesday’s invasion.

Matchless.

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