Men behaving badly

IF FOOTBALL is, as we are often told, a metaphor for life then God help us when it comes to the players’ Christmas parties.

Not a festive season goes by, it seems, without at least one club's celebrations coming to the attention of the media, not to mention the local constabulary.

This year has seen a bumper crop of off-the-field shenanigans that have made the plot lines of soccer soap operas Dream Team and Footballers' Wives look understated and have sent their scriptwriters back to the filing cabinet in search of those episodes marked 'Rejected: too ludicrous to contemplate'.

Celtic earned all the headlines, resulting as it did in the arrests of Joos Valgaeren, Johan Mjallby and Bobby Petta alongside Neil Lennon the latter was later released without charge following a night out at Buffalo Joe's bar in Gateshead, over the Tyne from Newcastle. And this time last year, Lennon was again the centre of attention when forced to play over the Christmas period with a bandage on his head having taken a tumble at the 2001 party.

But while the headlines have flowed, there have been no plaudits from connoisseurs of the genre. Going to the effort of leaving Glasgow for their big night out to avoid publicity, only to turn up in Britain's number one party town, displayed a complete lack of wit for seasoned campaigner Frank McAvennie.

Frank recalled his Christmas party days as a Hoop in a tabloid this week, describing a typical night out in Glasgow. Recommending fancy dress as a means to stay low-profile, the Bhoys would then compete in sprint races down Sauchiehall Street organised by club captain Roy Aitken. From there the mullet-haired McAvennie would adjourn to a nightclub and disappear into the toilets to, er, entertain the ladies. Who says romance is dead?

It is not just the Scots who know how to have a good time, however. Footballers have been seen behaving badly all over England, too.

Two Sheffield Wednesday players were suspended by the club having been arrested on suspicion of assault following the Owls' Christmas party while even Manchester United's Christmas party is alleged to have turned ugly with Ryan Giggs and goalkeeper Roy Carroll apparently squaring up to each other in a trendy city-centre bar.

According to reports, the dynamic duo had to be separated as tempers frayed in the early hours, and the pair were seen "nose to nose and swearing at each other".

One unnamed onlooker told the Daily Mirror: "It was all pretty nasty but they didn't actually come to blows. I think drink had played its part."

Funny that, though some clubs seem to have at last cottoned on to the inevitable equation that at Christmas, footballers plus booze equals trouble.

West Bromwich Albion manager Gary Megson has turned the annual event into a party for players and their families while Blackburn, Leeds, Liverpool and Manchester City have cancelled all their plans. It makes sense, as tales of raucous Yuletide revelry are already plentiful.

Take Jamie Carragher's antics with a stripper while dressed as the Hunchback of Notre Dame at a Liverpool bash, pictures of which found their way into the News of The World. Or Robbie Fowler's yomp across Leeds city centre dressed as a soldier and brandishing a toy gun he was duly marched straight into a cell although later released without charge. And then there were the Manchester City players who were refused entry to a nightclub because they were all dressed as Harry Enfield characters the Scousers, all bubble perms and moustaches.

Yet the daddy of them of all belongs to the Chelsea players of yesteryear who caused no problems to either members of the public or the officers of the law but have entered into legend for their behind-closed-doors night of dwarf tossing in a West London boozer.

When perusing the cast of players involved: Tony Cascarino, Vinnie Jones and Dennis Wise, who it should be said was throwing rather than being thrown, the pastime almost seems logical and reasonable.

In Cascarino's words, it went like this. "The dwarfs erected a bouncy castle, which had a sticky wall, and placed a mattress on the floor. They then proceeded to strap themselves into suits coated with sticky stuff. The idea was to pick up a dwarf and hurl him as far as you could, the winner being the person who could throw him the furthest."

See what I mean, perfectly reasonable, though Cascarino added the important proviso, "Some of the players chose to throw the dwarf against the sticky wall, which was not as easy as it sounds after a few pints, where they would cling very briefly before they fell onto the mattress. I had a go but I can't remember how I did. They were heavier than I expected."

Kind of puts Celtic's ill-advised antics into perspective doesn't it?

As Petta, Valgaeren and Mjallby prove, this phenomenon has spread beyond the custom of players from just these islands. But spare a thought for Newcastle United's Chilean player Clarence Acuna, arrested last week and charged with a drink-driving offence while dressed as Captain Hook from Peter Pan. He hadn't even reached the dreaded Christmas party; he was nicked on the way.