Fancy a French dressing-down?

BARELY two days in the French capital, and if I had a franc for every time I’ve heard an Irish voice proclaim that “there’s never been a better time to take on France in Paris“, I’d have, oh, about ten or eleven francs by now.

And a fat lot of good it would do me since the franc has long gone the same way as other French icons of fond memory, like Zidane, Thuram and Lizarazu. Their collective retirement is, after all, one of the main reasons for unaccustomed Irish confidence ahead of what was once deemed to be by far the toughest test of the World Cup qualifying group.

And still is, actually. For the record, I can think of much better times to take on the French in Paris. During the war, say, when they would have had other things on their mind. Or before the birth of Thierry Henry.

But no, the gathering green tribe doesn’t respond to sensible suggestion. All the news is good news, as far as they’re concerned. “Julie’s out,” a Dub voice gleefully announced in the hotel yesterday, making it sound as if his favourite lady from the escort agency had just been released from a holding cell. The reference was to Giuly of Barcelona, a truly class act whose late departure through injury was yet another blow for embattled French boss Raymond Domenech, coming on top of a plague of absenteeism, reports of bad vibes in the camp, rumours the manager’s job is on the line and the incontestable fact of a seriously underwhelming start to France’s campaign.

And yet, and yet ... the French are still level on points at the top with Switzerland and Ireland; despite the expected massive presence of Irish support, the game is still taking place in the Stade de France, not Lansdowne Road; and when you look at Domenech’s starting 11 you see that, despite the decimation of his ranks, he has still managed to include a few fairly recognisable names, like Henry, Pires, Wiltord, Gallas, Silvestre and Cisse. This is the kind of stuff that could give scraping the barrel a good name.

There is also the distinct possibility of what we might call ‘Le Backlash.’ Think of Real Madrid against Roma in the Champions League. The vultures which had been circling overhead were practically dining in the centre-circle by the time the home side went 2-0 down, at which point, goaded beyond endurance, the Galacticos suddenly roared into life, scoring four and even permitting the sulking Roberto Carlos to get involved with a Brazilian special. No matter that Madrid have stumbled since: sometimes it doesn’t even take 90 minutes for the dead to resurrect themselves.

So forgive me this extended note of caution, based not only on the reality of the French threat which resides most strikingly in the match-winning qualities of a player like the sensational Henry, but also, I suspect, on the traditional unease with which the Irish psyche contemplates even a whiff of a suggestion of favourite status.

So, to repeat: it’s France in Paris in the World Cup and, unless you base your understanding of football on the signs of the zodiac, there’s really no such thing as a good time to be facing up to that challenge.

There is, however, reason to be confident based not on French vulnerability but rather on the current strength of the visitors. Brian Kerr’s team has all the ingredients necessary to at least take a valuable point here tonight but only if they go about their job in the right way. And, for one thing, that means not retreating into their own third of the pitch as they did in Basel even if - indeed, especially if - they manage to get their noses in front. That way lies trouble, as Hakan Yakin demonstrated in Basel. And what Yakin can do, Henry can do better.

So regardless of the promising omens, Ireland need to bring a lot of the old underdog fighting spirit to bear tonight, which means that Roy Keane playing at something close to his uncompromising best is an imperative. If the visitors can shake the French out of any style they are capable of mustering, especially in the opening quarter of an hour, then that would provide the solid platform on which our own va-va-voom merchants - the likes of Duff and Keane the Younger - can demonstrate their wares. In short: if Brian Kerr’s team can match steel and style in equal measure, really take the game to the French and keep errors to a minimum, then even the wildest expectations of the travelling support could be exceeded.

Of course, being Ireland, there’s bound to be a tale of the unexpected lurking in there somewhere. France will score twice in the first-half, say, and then the Irish will rock them with their greatest comeback in their football history, Robbie Keane getting the winner and breaking the all-time scoring record a minute into stoppage time.

Right. And then we’ll go and lose to the Faroes on Wednesday.