Posh nosh, high jinks and low morals

Having been here now for two weeks, I have been able to form a good idea of the Australian way of life.

Of course, the Irish have strong links with Oz and, in many ways, the lifestyle here mirrors our own but in more ways it is at odds. So does Australia get the nod as a good place to live? Here are the votes of the Irish jury:

FOOD: Australia scores highly on the nosh front. While the ubiquitous McDonald's can be found everywhere, there is great variety to the eateries Down Under. The shopping malls here all have American-style food halls serving a vast array of dishes. There is a huge diversity of cultures, particularly from Asia, and the quality of Thai, Chinese and Japanese food is very high. I even found one Indian takeaway which, bizarrely, was serving Irish crisps. This led to the rather strange order of "Murg Murkhani, Bombay Aloo, large Naan and a packet of Tayto cheese and onion boss."

DRINK: Contrary to popular belief, not everyone over here drinks pints of Fosters or Castlemaine XXXX, indeed they are very hard to find, a bit like Harp in Ireland. The draughts of choice are Victoria Bitter (VB), Tooheys or Cooper's Pale Ale ("Pint of Paley please mate"). But by far the most popular drink appears to be Bundaberg Rum (Bundy) which comes in draught, bottles or cans with the coke already attached. You can pretty much buy any type of pre-mixed drink you wish in can or bottle form. However, the best option is a glass of wine for it is cheap and uniformly excellent. It also gives you that touch of class.

SMOKING: Australia has been on an anti-smoking buzz for some time and new laws were introduced at the start of the year. These prohibit smoking anywhere where food is being served. Many bars are non smoking but the majority operate special smoking areas and it seems to work well. Like New York, you see large amounts of office workers on the street for their cigarette breaks and there are numerous disposal bins. Basically, those who fancy a smoke can easily find somewhere to puff in peace and there does not seem to be any resentment from either the pro or anti-smoking factions. Micheál Martin take note.

GAMBLING: Very popular, from bookie shops to casinos. Melbourne boasts the magnificent Crown Casino, a massive building with everything from poker and blackjack to slot machines and spin the wheel. It follows the Vegas formula of no windows, no clocks and oxygen pumped in to keep patrons alert. Strangely, on every slot machine there are helplines and details for Gamblers Anonymous. They encourage you to spend money in every way possible and then tell you how to get help for doing so.

PROPERTY: The last five years have seen a remarkable property boom with 900,000 Aussies expected to invest in real estate next year. Much to their dismay, the Reserve Bank yesterday raised interest rates in a bid to burst the housing bubble. Although house prices here are soaring, they are still very cheap by Irish standards. It is possible to buy a detached, suburban, four-bedroomed house with a sizeable garden for the equivalent of 180,000.

TV: Very poor. A limited range of channels. Predictably, you can keep up to date with you favourite Aussie soap and the remainder of the schedule is filled with American re-runs. One channel, between the hours of midnight and 6am, turns your screen into a fish tank and you can watch the fish 'live', a sort of piscine 'Big Brother'. The World Cup coverage here has been heavily criticised by visitors and locals. Channel Seven have the terrestrial rights but have been showing delayed coverage of most of the pool games, interspersed with numerous ad breaks. In addition, their nightly magazine programme 'The Rugby Club' is awful, with banal analysis and cringe-inducing comedy. It makes you yearn for the good cop-bad cop routine of George Hook and Brent Pope.

WOMEN: Due to domestic contentment and emerging self-discipline, research here has been purely observational, no sampling. In keeping with the national persona, the Aussie female is very confident. Brash, in fact. The attitude to sex here is quite open, with little evidence of lingering Catholic guilt, and women have no hang-ups about their sexuality. They seem to put a lot of time into their appearance although their mode of dress, while eye-catching, is a little on the trashy side of tasteful. Overall, very nice but you wouldn't eat a whole one.

SUMMARY: Cheap houses, superb food and drink and plenty of loose women but one still yearns for the warm suckle and superior TV of our beloved nanny state.