No place like ‘back home’
The journey totals a torturous 29 hours and takes you through London, Los Angeles and several time zones. To be fair, Air New Zealand did their best to ease my passage, supplying service with a smile and plenty of leg-room.
However, the only rest attainable was the fitful, epileptic sleep of the malnourished for, while tasty, the Fisher Price food portions never fully assuaged my hunger and asking for seconds seemed a bit agricultural.
Unfortunately, in-flight entertainment did little to alleviate the tedium. Ocean's 12 is two hours I shall never recover from, while Pierce Brosnan's jewel-heist caper, Before the Sunset, qualifies for the How To Make An American Quilt Hall of Fame for worst films ever.
Indeed, the in-flight highlight came courtesy of a spot of violent air turbulence, which saw four toilet-queuing passengers inducted into the exclusive 'Pile High club'.
The purpose of this trans-global trip was a pre-Lions tour reconnaissance mission and a chance to check out a country and people I have always found fascinating.
New Zealand is known primarily for three things: sheep, rugby and, in recent times, The Lord Of The Rings (which has shown a hitherto largely ignorant world what a beautiful country the 'Land of the long white cloud' is).
I've always found Kiwis to be a decent lot who get on well with the Irish. Not as brash as the Australians, they work hard, like their beer and adore their rugby. They also possess a deep love for the country they universally refer to as 'back home'. Having heard it eulogised on many occasions, 'back home' seems to be a place where rugby is played at a different level, where women cook, clean and do the dance of the seven veils simultaneously and where fish are far bigger than anything we have in Europe. So, this was my chance to venture forth, Dorothy-like, and discover whether there truly was 'no place like back home'.
Auckland, not the capital city but by far the biggest and the venue for the third Lions test on July 9, is a sprawling, modern metropolis, well-equipped to cope with expected influx of 15-20,000 Lions fans.
The city is eagerly anticipating the northern invasion and the red horde's social base will undoubtedly be The Viaduct, next to the harbour. The area boasts a vast selection of bars, restaurants and nightclubs with plenty of room on the jetty for japes and jollity. On the negative side, prices are a tad saucy and likely to increase for the tour. Smokers will also be distressed to learn that a ban identical to our own was introduced last December.
However, there is a considerable upside, as relayed by Sligo's Tom Kenny, manager of O'Hagan's one of two 'Sure and Begorrah' establishments on the Viaduct strip.
"The Lions fans are going to love it here," said Kenny. "Most bars and clubs have 24-hour licences and will stay open as long as there is a demand."
Kenny came south a year and-a-half ago on holiday and enjoyed it so much he took a full-time job as soon as it was offered.
"I love it here. The Kiwis are great, very laid-back. If I ever have to say, 'sorry, you've had enough', there's no problem. In Ireland, with our licensing laws and 'drink against the clock' culture, you'd be likely to get a slap in that situation."
After the big-city feel of Auckland, Wellington was a different kettle of (unfeasibly large) fish. New Zealand's capital hosts the second test on July 2 and is located on the southernmost tip of the north island. It is a charming, if somewhat ramshackle, place but is eagerly anticipating, and confident of catering for, the Lions fans.
In addition to parliament, Wellington is home to the NZRU, who were good enough to give me a tour of their impressive offices and share their thoughts on the tour.
"It's the biggest sporting event in New Zealand's history," said Nigel Cass, Lions Series project manager. "There will be 8,000 travelling on official tours and an estimated 8,000 travelling independently. This should generate something in the region of NZ$250m (€15m) for the economy and this during winter time, when we normally have no tourists."
Steve Tew, deputy CEO of the union, agreed that there is much to anticipate. "When you consider that there are 1,640 camper vans booked by fans to follow the Lions, you can see how this is something special. Imagine if those van fans travel in convoy ... it will be like a scene from Smokey and The Bandit."
The enthusiasm of the Kiwis for this series was evident everywhere and wholly infectious. There is tremendous history between the Lions and All-Blacks and the fact there has not been a tour for 12 years gives the 2005 Lions a freshness welcomed by a rugby public bored of the usual Australian and South African Super 12 and Tri-Nations opposition.
The Kiwis are friendly and gracious hosts and fans can look forward to a memorable touring experience. However, no matter how shiny the welcome mat laid out for the visitors, when it comes to on-pitch matters all bets are off.
This point was emphasised forcibly by Mr Tew, a big rugged man whose features bore testimony to his many years playing second row for Hutt Old Boys.
"We want a series that both the teams and fans enjoy. But this tour will only be deemed a success when the All Blacks win ... and we intend to win three-zip."
"Ah, c'mon Steve," I said, tongue foolishly in-cheek, "the fans will have a great time and the economy will be boosted, so if we have an exciting series and the Lions take it 2-1 after a third test thriller ... surely you'll still see it as a huge success and an honourable defeat?"
There was heavy silence and Tew's eyes flashed angrily.
"Listen mate," he growled, "the All Blacks don't do honourable defeat."
And that was that. As he lumbered away, I got the distinct impression Mr Tew was not amused. In fact, I'd say he was positively cranky.
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