Mug's Game: Anyone want to help me in Flooring some Porter tonight?
Paul Townend on Vauban approach the finish line to win The JCB Triumph Hurdle race during day four of the Cheltenham Festival
A NOT undesirable dilemma presents itself on the final day. I’m well ahead for the meeting and have no intention of giving it all back to the bookies. On the other hand, I don’t want to play too safe either because where’s the fun in that?
A happy medium is required. Happy Medium is not a runner today. Pity.
The Willie Mullins-trained Il Etait Temps is, on the other hand, and one of my betting accounts is offering your money back if your choice finishes second, third, fourth or fifth in the opener. In the event, Willie wins with Vauban, the favourite, but Il Etait Temps, who’s fighting Danny Mullins for his head from the off, runs out of juice and finishes… fifth. No harm done.
Being the erudite gal she is, my chum Aoibhlinn Hester in Dubai sends me a Wikipedia link about Vauban. The original Vauban, that is. Transpires Sebastien Le Prestre de Vauban was a French military engineer in the time of Louis XIV. His principles for fortifications were hugely influential, as was his novel view of France as a geographical entity with a coherent and defensible border. Google him when you have a minute. Seriously. Fascinating dude.
Right, where were we? Cherbourg? Chartres? No, Cheltenham. Ah yes.
Willie takes the second race with State Man. The implication is obvious. He’s going to make it a treble in the Albert Bartlett, a race presumably named after a cloth cap-wearing oul’ lad in Coronation Street. (This is a gag I’ve cracked here before but am so pleased with I can’t stop myself repeating.) I scan the betting rather than the form and opt for five euro each way on Minella Cocooner.
As with Il Etait Temps, I am left fearing the worst early doors. Minella Cocooner runs rather too freely for my liking and makes one really bad mistake down the back. Yet he hangs in there and is preceded home only by The Nice Guy, who swoops at the optimum moment. You’ll never guess who trains The Nice Guy… The Nice Guy was sent off at 18/1, Minella Cocooner at 9/2. It’s irritating but it comes with the territory.
Everyone knows that Mullins will saddle at least one long-priced winner at the festival, so many runners does he despatch. The trick, obviously, is to find that long-priced winner. And if Willie doesn’t know beforehand which one it’ll be, why should we?
I can’t decide between Minella Indo, who did me a favour last year, and A Plus Tard for the Gold Cup. Ruby Walsh provides an incisive analysis of the latter’s performance in coming second 12 months ago, pointing out a number of fences where he lost a length or two. Tidy up his jumping, he says, and he’ll have every chance.
For old time’s sake, I follow the money for Al Boum Photo, of blessed memory three years ago. He’s not quite good enough on the day. The De Bromhead pair fight out the issue and from the last fence it’s a one-horse race, the horse being A Plus Tard.
He’s ridden by some girl. Big deal. You’d swear a woman had never won the Gold Cup before. It’s hardly going to make tomorrow’s front pages.
For the second season in succession, Henry De Bromhead has the 1-2 in the Gold Cup to top off Honeysuckle’s triumph in the Champion Hurdle. Surely it’s going to be Waterford’s year now. Maybe Liam Cahill can get Henry to pop into Walsh Park and take the occasional training session.
Third place is filled by Protektorat, owned by Alex Ferguson. If only Alex had thought of lobbying the Cheltenham authorities beforehand to move the race to Old Trafford and then, with Protektorat trailing, to increase the distance to three miles three furlongs. Then to three and a half miles. And so on until Protektorat won. Fergie Time, racing style.
Normal service promptly resumes. It’s Mullins again in the Foxhunters, Billaway coming from the clouds to get up on the line, and Mullins yet again in the Mares Chase.
Once more I stick a pin in the Closutton representatives. Once more, to quote the Grail Knight in the third Indiana Jones film, I choose poorly. I’m on Concertista; Elimay wins. Grrr.
And there you have it. A third losing day in four but Thursday, the afternoon it rained winners, put me well ahead for the festival. Anyone want to help me in Flooring some Porter tonight?
