AP McCoy: ‘Going out at the top is very important to me’

It’s the ultimate paradox. For AP McCoy, serial winner, the great motivator remains the fear of failure, writes Liam Mackey

“If you go a few days without a win,” he says, “you start to think, ‘this is it, I’m on the slide’. In a big way. And, to be fair, I’ve always thought like that. Even last week I only had nine or ten rides and, after having Monday off — my first day off in over two months — I didn’t have a winner by Friday and so, for three or four days, the demons start setting in again and you start thinking ‘this is the end, my career is gone.’

“You look forward to the next day, of course, to having another go and hopefully getting all that out of your system by having a winner, but when that day ends and you haven’t had a winner, the fear is there and would nearly keep you awake at night.

“Fear of injury? I never think about that. Honestly, without trying to sound like a hero or anything like that — because I’m not, I’ve been injured too many times to think I’m a hero — but that’s the last thing that ever comes into my mind. The only thing I worry about is…being shit. Pardon my language. Being no good. Fear of failure — that’s the worst.”

To hear the leader in any field talk like this is always a tad disconcerting for those of us who have never managed to scale any of life’s loftiest peaks. But it’s hardly unprecedented.

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Indeed, only a week previously, a certain other well-known sportsperson was speaking in almost identical terms on the box. So, did AP see the Vieira-Keane documentary?

“I did. I thought it was the best show I’ve seen on TV”.

And what Keane had to say about fear of failure — that must have struck a chord?

“Worryingly,” he says, with a thin smile.

Worryingly? Do you not like Keane?

“I love Keane, even though I’m an Arsenal fan and I love Patrick Vieira. I’m not saying I’m Roy Keane or anything, he was such a brilliant footballer. But I saw a lot of similarities, let me tell you. I don’t know whether I should be proud of saying that or not.”

Because of the extremes he’s driven to? And because you don’t want to be that guy?

“Probably. Not that he doesn’t care what anyone thinks about him but sometimes you think, God, do people think maybe I’ve as many demons as poor old Roy has. And, again, the worrying thing is that I probably have. I sat there and watched that interview and I could easily have sat and looked in the mirror all the way through it. He was asked about enjoyment. And he said the enjoyment is only there when you win and that it doesn’t last — the next day it’s gone. And he’s right.”

Is it the case then that you regret not enjoying your successes more than you might have done?

“Do you know, it’s not that I didn’t enjoy it. Sure, aside from my two children being born, winning the Grand National was one of the greatest days of my life, the greatest day of my racing life, for sure. And the enjoyment did last — we had a few parties and so on. But then it was gone.

“So it’s not that I didn’t enjoy it — I enjoy every winner I ride. There’s nothing like passing the winning post, even if it’s at Plumpton on a Monday when there’s hardly anyone there. I still get the same enjoyment. But it only lasts for a certain amount of time. And when you wake up the next day you’re thinking, ‘what if I don’t ride any winners today?’

“And that’s why you need to go to the extremes, to go that bit further than everyone else. You need to be able to say that no-one is going to go to the lengths I’m prepared to go to. I can’t afford to have a day where I’m not frightened about not having winners. I have to have winners.”

Does he think that, quite apart from the physical toll, he’s paid too high a price in terms of happiness and peace of mind?

“I’m making it sound like it’s made me really unhappy but it’s obviously what I need to do. But what hasn’t made me happy at times, has actually fulfilled me. At the end of day, it is my hobby and I’ve been so lucky to live my life through my hobby.”

Does he ever worry that, with all the physical suffering his body has had to endure, he could be storing up significant long-term health problems?

“I’m physically pretty fit,” he replies. “I’ve always lived a healthy lifestyle, I’ve never smoked or taken a drink. And I think being naturally very fit has helped me recover from injury quicker. I only do actual fitness work when I’m injured. Because I’m riding every day, I’m fit from my job. I used to fear putting on weight when I retire but now I actually like being fit. If I have a week or ten days off or I’m injured or whatever and I put on ten or 12 pounds and get to 11 and half stone, I feel fat — and it’s not for me. I wouldn’t ever let myself get in that condition.”

McCoy knows that his own finish-line as a jockey is drawing close — and he simply dreads the thought of crossing it. If he could, he says he’d love to be able to go back and start all over again.

“I’m sure I’d do a lot of things different — I’d ride a lot more winners,” he offers with a smile. “But, yeah, I hate the thought of retirement. Why? Because the thrill is gone. And there’s a lot of thrill in winning. Could I keep riding just to take part? Not really. I want to retire as champion jockey. If I thought I was slipping or wasn’t as good, I wouldn’t want to let myself down. Going out at the top is very important to me. And I know that means I will probably end up retiring from my sport when I’m not happy to or not ready to. But because I’m such a stubborn person, I probably will do it then anyway. I can see myself having to force myself into retirement.”

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