Sarah Lavin: 'My heart is broken. It will be for quite a while, if not always'

Two months on from the death of her boyfriend, Craig Breen, the pain is just as raw for the Limerick Olympian.

Fri, 16 Jun, 2023 - 22:41

Cathal Dennehy

It’s the small things that hurt so much. The phone calls she can no longer make. The adventures they can no longer take. When Sarah Lavin thinks of Craig Breen, it’s often not even the past she longs for. It’s all the things they would have done together in the future.

“My heart is broken,” she says. “It will be for quite a while, if not always.”

Two months on from the death of her boyfriend, the pain is just as raw for the Limerick Olympian, the shock just as surreal. Since that Thursday in April when Breen lost his life, sustaining fatal injuries in a freak accident during a testing session ahead of a rally event in Croatia, nothing has been the same in Lavin’s world.

“Every day has a kind of sadness,” she says. “But Craig was an incredibly happy person and his smile was so infectious. I try my best, when I can, to live how he taught us to.”

They came from two different worlds. Lavin was a track star – a sprint hurdler who made both the European and World Indoor finals last year. Breen was a huge name in the World Rally Championship (WRC) and had turned in a superb performance to finish second for Hyundai at Rally Sweden back in February.

Breen knew little about athletics. Lavin knew nothing about rallying. But together, they learned. They shared common ground, competing in sports that exist outside the Irish mainstream, in events where tiny margins separate success from an outright inability to finish. For Lavin, a sub-par start had been an occasional weakness, and Breen tried to help her by getting her a BlazePod – a training tool drivers use to improve reaction times.

Breen travelled to Istanbul in March to watch her compete at the European Indoors, where he was approached by many fans of his from Finland and Estonia – the rallying strongholds. Lavin would listen to him talk about the technical minutiae of rallying and find herself captivated. Before, she’d assumed success was down to natural talent and the quality of car. With Breen, she saw what it really took.

“He worked really, really hard every day – running, in the gym, on the bike. Of course he was talented, but he was keen to optimise every per cent of his performance. On Christmas eve, at 7am, he was out running. He did everything he could to make himself the best.”

So did she. Maybe that’s why they clicked. Their lives ran on separate, parallel tracks, chugging in unison towards the very best they could be. And it was fun. So much fun. That’s what makes this harder.

“Above all, Craig made me incredibly happy and any athlete knows, the greatest weapon you can have over strength, speed, power, is happiness,” she says. “It’s not something we can train on the track and it’s the scariest thing for me now. I love him dearly. I love his family dearly.”

She was in Spain, on a warm-weather training camp, when the call came. She had spoken to Breen just minutes before he died. Lavin flew home immediately, taking refuge in the arms of her parents, and Breen’s family. It took her a few weeks, but slowly she found her way back to doing what she loves.

“I do find peace at the track,” she says.

There have been many dark days since. But the one thing Lavin never felt was alone. She’s worked closely with a psychologist who specialises in grief and credits the support from Sport Ireland and the Olympic Federation of Ireland. Then there’s Breen’s family.

“They have been pillars of strength in my weakest moments. His parents are the most compassionate, gentle, kind people, with the most wonderful human traits that were instilled in him.”

The tears flow as she speaks of Breen. Her voice catches.

“He was just a beautiful soul, inside and out. It’s going to take time. I know that.”

When she asks herself what Breen would tell her to do, she knows the answer. Training. Racing. Carrying on. Finding a way. Two weeks after his death, Lavin was invited to the Doha Diamond League, the first time she’d been offered a lane in the top-tier athletics circuit. She started back training, with coach Noelle Morrissey ultra-cautious about her workload. Lavin ran well in Doha, and has since ascended to a higher level, running four of the quickest 10 times of her career. On the laces of her spikes for each race, there’s a silver plate with Breen’s initials – a gift from his friends.

“It was such a beautiful thing to receive,” she says. “I get to bring him with me every step of the way.” When she would race around Europe, Breen was always scanning online to find a stream, supporting in every way he could. Without telling Lavin, he reached out to Lyons of Limerick earlier this year about getting her a sponsored car. Yesterday, she finally picked it up.

“He was such a giver,” she says. “He wanted to help in whatever way he could.”

Somehow, some way, she’s charging ahead into the busiest part of the season. Lavin was announced yesterday as the Irish flagbearer at next week’s European Games in Poland, and from there all roads lead to Budapest for the World Championships in August. Day by day. Hour by hour. Race by race.

“I’m just trying my best, trying to hold on to what he would want me to do. But I miss him so much.”

The phone call to Breen was the last one she’d make before she went to the stadium for each race. It was the first one she’d make when arriving back. Being unable to make that call now hurts more than you could imagine.

Still, there is refuge in certain realisations. Breen’s life was spent chasing his childhood dream, giving it everything he had. Lavin knows one of the best ways to honour him now is to continue doing the same. He was the guy who showed her what love and happiness truly meant, who did everything in his power to push her forward – in life just as much as athletics. He’s gone and yet he’s not. He’s absent and yet he’s present.

“Craig couldn’t physically run and jump the hurdles with me,” she says. “But maybe now he can.”