Wicklow's Alan Daly: 'Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. What my girlfriend did was life-saving'
Alan Daly gets ready for a run on a cold November night at Donard/Glen GAA pitch. Picture: Dave Barrett
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Eight months before, on December 30, Alan Daly was admitted to Naas Hospital with suicidal thoughts, a nexus of events bringing him to the point where he just felt he - and the world - would be better off if he weren’t around.
Something deep within him screamed for survival, and in the early hours of that morning he called his girlfriend. Somehow, from the other end of the line down in Limerick, Gillian English pierced his wall of despair and drunkenness, got him to promise to go to the doctor in the morning.
He was agreeing really, only to bring the conversation to a halt. He reckoned he’d be back at this point soon enough but couldn’t go through with it now, not when he had promised Gillian he would go see someone. That was something.
That was everything.
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Growing up in The Glen of Imaal, GAA was what it was about because there was little else. Alan’s dad Seamus loved it, without having played a whole pile, and when he married a Kilkenny city woman Mary, he got turned onto hurling.
Still, it was football where the kids grew up. Alan was the youngest of five, by a good bit. He is 27 now, Brendan, a stalwart of Wicklow football for many years, next at 40. Liz, Catherine and Marie complete the family.
Alan showed an aptitude quickly, particularly with the left boot. He was never afraid to try things and a lot of the time, they came off.
“I would have seen myself that I had a talent,” he says looking back. “I would have felt that I was a lad who could get scores for my team.”
They amalgamated with Dunlavin at underage to form St Nicholas’ and caused a bit of a sensation when taking Rathnew’s scalp twice, including in the final, to win the county minor A title. That came 12 months after capturing the minor B crown.
A physio at Tallaght Health Centre, he enjoyed his work. Like many young lads, he liked the craic and a big night out. Life and soul of the party.
In 2019, he made the final squad of in the GAA’s The Underdogs. They got a hiding from Mayo but he had taken on board some of the lessons on nutrition, conditioning and particularly farmed Mickey Ned O’Sullivan for his “nuggets”.
He played really well against Na Fianna when on the brink of being jettisoned and scored as a sub in the game against Mayo.
The buzz locally was massive, and he revelled in it. After the game against Mayo, he was mingling with the players and their families when he spotted Meath legend Trevor Giles. He went over for a chat.
“A young kid comes running over towards us, and he comes up and asks me for an autograph! He asks me, and there’s Trevor Giles, one of the greatest footballers the country’s ever seen, he’s won All-Irelands, he’s beside me, being shunned for me!”
Davy Burke was appointed Wicklow manager and he brought in an extended squad. After showing up well in a trial, Alan made the cut. But under the smiling, bubbly surface, Alan was a mess. And getting worse.
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“I went into Naas with, I suppose, a lot of anxiety and depression symptoms, suicidal thoughts and stuff. Some people might think, ‘Oh, it’s come out of nowhere’, but no, I think it’s something that could have even started all the way back in post-primary school and getting rough treatment.
“Post-primary school can be an awful, awful time for bullying and stuff like that. I’ve a background of autism. Now it’s very mild, it’s something that, unless I tell people, they wouldn’t know. It might be some communication issues for me, or I mightn’t be so quick to grasp things.
Bullies often thrive off that. All that fighting would have stopped at 16 or 17. Going to 17, 18, alcohol starts coming in, the possibility of girlfriends and stuff, college.
"Around college time it wouldn’t have been too bad, I think I handled that well. But then as I was growing to 21 and on, I was going into my first relationships. I was in a few relationships that didn’t work out for different reasons. They would have negatively affected me.
“Maybe I was going into those relationships for the wrong reasons, it wasn’t like, seeing where it would end, maybe it was more that I didn’t want to be on my own. I definitely noticed throughout the years that my relationship with alcohol wasn’t a good one. Not that I was an alcoholic, wondering where the next drink was coming from, it was more so binge drinking.
“Ireland, while we’re a great nation for having the craic and being really laidback, we really can have a problem with alcohol at times. It’s nearly seen as the cool thing to do, you know, ‘Look at him, he’s absolutely stocious.’ I was going out binge drinking and a lot of the nights I was getting sick, or I was passing out. I was waking up the next morning with ‘The Fear’, ‘What did I say to this one?’, or ‘What am I after doing to this lad?’ And while you feel great on the Saturday night, that Sunday is an absolute write-off.
"I wasn’t going out drinking to enjoy myself, I was drinking to forget my problems."
Ironically his football was at an all-time high: “At the time, I was called up to the county. I was flying fit, I was never better, and of course we were training and I went over on my ankle and busted a ligament.
“When the lads were out on the field, I as rehabbing, trying to get myself right. County level is cutthroat. It’s a case of, ‘We need to win here.’
With Wicklow it’s a case of ‘We need to get out of Division Four, we need to make a good start.’ If you’re injured, that’s tough luck. I probably came back from the injury very early to play against Carlow in the O’Byrne Cup, but of course I picked up a subsequent injury in the warm-up. I pulled my groin, and I was trying to play that match. I had a shocking game.
“We had a challenge game with Wicklow. Same thing, my injury hadn’t healed. I missed three points from the 13m line, right in front of the goals, and I was taken off at half-time because I was playing absolutely terribly.
“At this point, the iceberg was starting to come up over the surface. This was up in Johnstownbridge and I remember driving home, and I was never as flat in my life. That’s where the thoughts started coming into my head. It wasn’t just sadness. Trucks were passing me on the opposite side of the road, and thoughts in my head started going, ‘What if I just steered the car the opposite side of the road?’
“I wasn’t able to see my girlfriend because I was so busy with county, and I wasn’t able to give her the attention. That wasn’t helping. I remember going for a few pints with the lads that night and my body was there, but my head was not there at all. I wasn’t participating in conversation at all, I was just drinking.
“I remember just heading home, and I got home, went into my room, and I just sat on the end of my bed for around half an hour. I looked into my closet then and I was just looking at where my jackets and all were hanging up. I saw my tie, I saw my belt, and thoughts started looking towards, ‘Do you know what, will I just do it? I feel so out of touch with everyone. All my family are just so much older than me, they just don’t understand me. I’m going out getting drunk and having to be collected and brought home. Why are you doing this to yourself? Why aren’t you being a good boyfriend, why are you so crap at football’
“All of these thoughts started going into my head, and I thought, ‘Would I be better off just being finished with it? I don’t think anyone will notice.’ And I don’t know what happened. I think I just took my phone out of my pocket, I wanted to see what time it was, but my screensaver was the missus, and I just got a slight thought in my head to ring her. This was two o’clock at night I’d say, she’s very rarely up at that time. She’s an early bird, up early, in bed early. I rang her, rang her, there was six or seven rings and she just answered the phone. She said, ‘Alan, I’m just after waking up randomly, and I saw my phone’s ringing, is everything okay?’
"And I said, ‘No, it’s not okay, it’s never been worse, I’ve been thinking about ending my life.’
“She was just so empathetic. She said, ‘Alan, you need to go to the doctor first thing in the morning because you haven’t been right in a while.’
“It’s such an awkward conversation to have, it’s not like, ‘Oh, I have a cold.’ It’s very hard to start that conversation with someone. But she said she didn’t sleep that night because she was so worried. It was her that told my family, I didn’t have the heart to tell them that I was thinking of ending my life.”
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The GP quickly sent him to Naas. He did briefly consider steering his car into a wall on the way but won that battle with his mind. His family started calling, having been contacted by Gillian. He reassured them he was being looked after.
He texted a cousin who is one of his best friends, Dermot Daly. Dermot came in immediately and they had a really long conversation. It helped.
ARAS, in Newbridge, provided cognitive behavioural therapy. Delving into why he drank so much. He remains forever in their debt. He rang Pieta House too. They listened as he talked.
In the meantime, he withdrew from the county panel. Burke couldn’t have been more understanding. Selectors Mike Hassett and Gary Jameson texted messages of support, as did many of the players. They were uplifting.
“I remember just before Mother’s Day. There was a house party, or some form of drinks that Saturday night. Before I would have gone and got hammered at it, instead I didn’t and I made dinner for Mother’s Day. It really just hit home, that’s way better than going out, getting stupid drunk.
“I’ve learned to control my drinking a bit better. Now have I maybe had a relapse or two? Maybe. But if you relapse, you’re not back to Ground Zero. You’re not back to the worst you’ve ever been. Relapse is a part of the healing process. Relapse means, maybe this part of the plan isn’t working for you, you just need to try something different. You need to look at logically as opposed to the emotional negativity.
“I started making more time for the people who were important to me. I started hanging around with my family more, my best friends more, my girlfriend more. I wasn’t trying to be Mr Cool in the room with random people. I was just starting to love myself a bit more and surround myself with the people who do genuinely love me.
“So that really helped, I was staying away from alcohol more, I was exercising more.”
He started feeling good, physically and mentally.
When training resumed for the club championships, he was in tremendous shape and it became obvious. Mickey Daly approached him and one of his closest friends, Conor Healy, and told them they would be joint-captains.
“It meant the absolute world to me. Growing up in the family that I did, growing up watching Donard/The Glen all my life. To be named joint captain was the biggest honour and after everything I had gone through, it was a great time, it was such a great thing to be able to tell my family.
“I wouldn’t see myself as a William Wallace figure or anything. I wouldn’t be that sort of figure, where I’d have great motivating words. I’d be more lead by example. Give me the ball and I’ll try help us get over the line.”
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“At the final whistle, I just broke down in tears. Then I was up and was hugging everyone. I couldn’t believe it. It was the biggest euphoria I ever felt in my life. Then to go over to the sideline and to see my mam. There is pictures there of me hugging her.
“I was at the lowest of the low, come the end of December. Fast forward eight months, I was captaining my team to an intermediate championship, our first title in 20 years. You couldn’t have written it.”
The remarkable turnaround prompted Alan to go public on where he had been, via a Facebook post. His experiences have led to hours of research on depression and suicide.
“Suicide is a permanent fix to a temporary problem. What my girlfriend did was life-saving. I love her to bits anyway but she saved my life. And my family are there, and we talk a bit more about mental health.
“The GAA have gotten a lot of flak recently. Maybe in some cases, with the whole lockdown and stuff and seeing some of the celebrations after it is understandable. But I think in the grand scheme of things I can’t speak highly enough of the GAA and the communities involved.
“It’s not just 15 lads and a manager. It’s so much more than that. It’s a community, it’s young and old. It’s a young kid pulling on his first jersey. And it’s people in their 70s that had to cocoon in the first lockdown. It brought tears to my eyes just seeing how happy the county final win made them.
“I think my overall message is to surround yourself with people who love you. Not those who are going to be there during your best moments but the ones that will be there during your worst moments.
“Try and work towards something, have a goal to work towards. Set a goal, be positive and believe in yourself. “And if you are not feeling good, don’t be afraid to say to someone, ‘I’m not feeling okay.’”
He is moustachioed now, having signed up to Movember.
“Help me stop men dying too young,” he asks.
Sharing his story, is a very good start.
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