RTE analysts: the secret memo

YOU SAW, during the week, that GAA President Nickey Brennan took issue with RTE analysts for not offering fair and balanced analysis.

“While critical analysis is fair and reasonable,” said Nickey, “I think you are entitled to do that, the programme demands that you be reasonably critical of what is going on — I think that the person’s integrity must always be kept in shape,” he said.

“We want to make sure that if you are analysing a game and if you are being critical of any aspect of it, which of course you are entitled to do, that at least you are working from a position of knowledge and facts.”

Luckily enough, we have seen the memo issued by RTE sport in response to this outburst, and we publish it herewith.

FROM: RTE management.

TO: All Sunday Game panellists.

Everyone,

it has come to our notice that certain elements within the GAA are unhappy with the analysis being offered on our flagship programme. With this in mind we are issuing the following guidelines in regard to this season’s coverage. As you can see, they are not restricted to spoken comment but cover the entire spectrum.

Mr Brolly: please refrain from mentioning any minute hamlets and shebeens within or without the county of Derry. Joe, frankly people from outside the Oak Leaf County are getting a pain in the brain from hearing about every crossroads around Dungiven christened of a Sunday evening in an odd northern accent.

Alternative: “I haven’t seen anyone as pale as that since the mayor of Paleton won a pale-face competition on St Pale’s Day.” (See? Much better).

Mr Farrell: Cyril, we are getting umpteen complaints about insensitivity to minority interests as a result of your unbalanced comments.

Exhibit A: “It’s like feeding nuts to a monkey, Ger.”

This has provoked a strong response from animal-rights groups, with a concomitant threat to withdraw related advertising (bananas, nuts, lice cream). Alternative: “It’s like feeding nuts to a large endangered mammal, with no negative connotations, Ger.”

Mr O’Rourke: please keep all comments about headwear to a minimum in the future, Colm. Remarks regarding eating hats have resulted in advertising revenue for caps, beanies, hats, helmets, yarmulkas, visors, skull caps, hoods, and all variants thereof falling off dramatically. We are now in danger of being viewed as a headwear-resistant broadcaster, when nothing could be further from the truth.

Alternative: “If Brian Dooher wins an All-Ireland medal I’ll eat a tasty bran muffin. No butter.”

Mr Davis: Tony, see above.

While we applaud your fashion bravery some of the selections have been too challenging even for us. The Nathan Detroit look of black shirt and off-gold tie is not one we hope to see again.

Mr Spillane: well, where do we begin? Pat, we are still receiving complaints, five years on, after your comments about certain Armagh defenders and speed thereof.

Those complaints are not coming from northern Ireland, but the legion of speedy grandmothers who have decried your (negative) comparison of their speed with that of Messrs McNulty, Bellew et al. In fact, the entire attendance at the last ‘Live At Three’ signed a petition to have you removed with extreme prejudice.

Alternative: “Francie Bellew’s slow. But he has other commendable qualities.”

This is not to mention strong representations made by the manufacturers of stomach powders and like products following the remarks about puke football. Admittedly advertising revenues in that regard spikes sharply with your appearance, particularly in the Cork area.

Though we’re sure you already knew that.

Have a great season, everybody!

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