Michael Moynihan: Where exactly are modern sportsmen getting those immaculate fades?

TORONTO, ON - MAY 12: Philadelphia 76ers center Joel Embiid (21) watches from the corner as Toronto Raptors forward Kawhi Leonard (2) squats down and sticks out his tongue waiting for the ball to drop for Raptors to win. Embiid missed the recent All-Star game as his barber tested positive for Covid-19. Picture: Rick Madonik

A confession: the beard is gone.

Some necessary repairs last week went a little too far, and the result was scorched earth rather than tidy borders. And when I say scorched, that is very much the operative term: turns out skin is far more sensitive than I remember.

Tidying a lockdown beard is more difficult than it looks, which got me wondering. Where exactly are modern sportsmen getting those immaculate fades, those well-maintained side-creases? The styles are as intricate as ever despite hairdressing venues being shut down, a contradiction which seems difficult to accommodate.

I flick on the television any evening and these bucks are Peaky Blindering their way across soccer pitches with — literally and figuratively — not a hair out of place, or bounding around NBA courts, on-trend ’dos intact, flourishing, and styled to the very last.

About the only crowd who are recognisable as lockdown veterans we can empathise with are the rugby lads, with Rhys Ruddock (shaving it all off because, you know, pandemic and all that) and James Lowe (yerra look grow it all out and tie it all together) embodying the two opposite impulses of the self-barbering Irish male.

There now seems to be a bit of grumbling about the quality of the pro athlete’s hairdo, I notice.

James Johnson, a prominent hairdresser (I refuse to use the term ‘celebrity hairdresser’) told UK outlets recently of his doubts that Premier League players, for instance, were solely responsible for those looks.

“The styles are definitely too challenging to maintain themselves at home,” said Johnson. “A skin fade is a hard task, let alone doing it on yourself.

“I actually cut my own hair myself and even for a professional it’s challenging. From getting the right blend, to making sure it’s even, is a mission. My mum has to get involved and even it out — with guidance, of course.

“The fade to the perfect symmetrical design would be so hard, near on impossible to achieve yourself as a DIY’er at home.”

My first thought is that perhaps Mrs Johnson (senior) should be getting a cut of James’ income, though a Google search left me less than convinced of the wisdom of leaving either of the Johnsons near me with a pair of scissors.

This is not just an English issue, either. The ZVF, Germany’s hairdressing union, wrote a stinging open letter to the DFB, the German Football Association, a couple of months ago pointing to an apparent contradiction between, again, the quality of soccer players’ haircuts and the closure of hair salons in the country.

The head of ZVF had a nice putdown for those claiming spouses and partners were maintaining the hairstyles — “I cannot believe that 50% of footballers have partners or family who are professional hairstylists,” said Harald Esser — though in the interests of full disclosure, he was wrong about Freiburg’s Vincenzo Grifo, whose partner Vanessa is in fact a trained hairdresser.

The putdowns are also coming from within the house, to adapt the old line from When A Stranger Calls.

Basketball stars Ben Simmons and Joel Embiid, both of the Philadelphia 76ers, were ruled out of the NBA All-Star game recently because a barber they both use tested positive for covid.

Embiid then issued a pretty pointed comment during the game, captioning a photo of some nattily-coiffed All-Star participants: “Looking at those fresh shape-ups and I had to be the one” and dropping some heavy hints about the hairstyle quality of some of the participants.

If you’re wondering about the general reticence in confronting sportspeople about these haircuts, by the way, consider Embiid’s vital statistics. He stands seven feet tall and weighs twenty stone.

Which brings me to the real question. Can we get a look at his barber’s step-ladder?

The gigantic keeper issue

One of the first mythical figures your columnist discovered in sport was William ‘Fatty’ Foulkes, the enormous goalkeeper who dominated English soccer in the early years of the 20th century.

It was a cruel but accurate nickname, as Foulkes weighed over 300 pounds or 136kg (and stood over six feet nine) at a time when people tended to be far smaller and slighter because of poor nutrition and healthcare.

Now, a century and change later, his example seems to be catching on. In ice hockey.

The great Ken Dryden wrote one of the greatest sports books of all time, The Game, and he recently wrote an article for The Atlantic with an intriguing headline: Hockey Has a Gigantic-Goalie Problem.

Dryden points out that in ice hockey “...the net is six feet by four feet, a puck is small, only three inches in diameter and one inch high, and in front of it is a goalie in very large equipment”, and compares modern ice hockey with the NBA when it was dominated by big centres like Bill Russell and Wilt Chamberlain.

He adds that the NBA found a way past the big man with improved three-point shooting but acknowledges that’s not a realistic option in ice hockey.

Long-range shooting is an option in a game well known to us here, though. Maybe Ken’s points apply to hurling as well as ice hockey.

Equity and what that means

Good news has been rare enough of late, so seeing an injection of cash for Irish rugby last week made for a welcome change.

You’re probably aware that the IRFU stands to get approximately €56m of investment from the deal signed by the Six Nations with CVC Capital Partners, a private equity firm.

As luck would have it, I was chatting that same day with John Trainor of Onside Sponsorship, the doyen of sponsorship and marketing in this country.

He made a delicate point about private equity deals in general — not the Six Nations-CVC deal specifically — which is worth bearing in mind.

“Depending on the level of investment and other structural factors, these brands’ seats at the table will likely see them weighing in on other sponsorships and other decisions impacting potential revenue generation, fan engagement and so on,” he said.

I don’t like using the term ‘watch this space’ because I have some self-respect, but I might make an exception just this once. 

How skilled Schulberg made Sammy run

Cultured readers of this column — all of you, in other words — will be familiar with On The Waterfront, and the great performance of Marlon Brando.

You’ll also be aware that the movie was written by the great Budd Schulberg, who wore many hats in a long and successful writing career, including a stint as a boxing correspondent for Sports Illustrated, apposite as we mourn the passing of Marvin Hagler at the weekend.

Along the way he wound up arresting the film director and Nazi Leni Reifenstahl as a war criminal at the end of World War II, which sounds like a book or script itself, but I unearthed a copy of one of his other novels recently, the outstanding What Makes Sammy Run?

This remains one of the best examinations of the movie business in its clear-eyed depiction of the ruthlessness of Sammy Glick, the central character. It was filmed in the ‘50s but nothing matches Schulberg’s sketch of Sammy on the printed page.

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