Tommy Martin: Will Cristiano Ronaldo bring Manchester United their just desserts?

The famously diet-conscious Ronaldo has inspired a new level of abstemiousness within the Man United squad

Thu, 16 Sep, 2021 - 07:00

Despite the flan-fare over his transfer to Manchester United, there was always a chance that Cristiano Ronaldo might upset the apple tart.

While the superstar striker’s early goal on Tuesday night was just parfait, Young Boys second-half comeback earned them the knickerbocker glory. Jesse Lingard looked a right pudding when his backpass allowed the home side to put the ball in the Vienetta, but by that stage the Swiss were on a roll.

Frankly, United got their just desserts.

As you may have heard, Tuesday night’s Champions League defeat followed revelations from United’s third-choice goalkeeper Lee Grant that the arrival of the famously diet-conscious Ronaldo had inspired a new level of abstemiousness within the squad. While the superstar’s signing sparked joy among supporters, it appears to have inadvertently derailed the club’s dessert trolley.

“Usually on a Friday night you’ve got some cheat stuff out,” Grant told Talksport this week. “You’ve got some apple crumble and custard or you’ve got a bit of brownie and cream. I tell you now, not one player touched the apple crumble and custard, not one player went up for that brownie.”

Fair enough, he’s a global icon adored by millions with a lucrative commercial empire and abs you could grate nutmeg on. He has reached the pinnacle of his sport through an almost monastic dedication to the ultimate performance lifestyle. He is relentless, driven, and supremely talented.

But come on Ron, it’s apple crumble. Just a tiny bit?

Quite how much United’s loss in Bern owes to the cold front over the chilled cabinet remains to be seen. Grant’s revelation showed how Ronaldo might raise dressing-room standards in the manner of a perfectly baked sponge. But could the de facto ban on desserts have caused a raspberry ripple in squad morale? And what will be the long-term impact of custard’s last stand?

Thanks to inside of knowledge about the eating habits of Manchester United players, we know this is no trifling matter.

Last month a Twitter image was leaked from the United dining room, featuring the food choices of the playing squad. Only five passed, Ronaldo-style, on a sweet treat after dinner: Fred, Scott McTominay, Mason Greenwood, Luke Shaw and Axel Tuanzebe all showing CR7-level restraint.

Sticky toffee pudding was the most popular choice among the Red Devils pigging out, with the subtler delights of crème brûlée enjoying a strong following among the more mature squad members, and cheesecake a big hit too with the hungry Old Trafford heroes.

Indeed, the menu in general was enough to have Ronaldo waking up in a sweat in his cryogenic chamber. Famous for scoffing lean, protein-heavy choices like swordfish, tuna and cod, his future team-mates were lorrying into cheeseburgers, steaks and BBQ ribs, accompanied by sides of mac and cheese and halloumi fries. Harry Maguire ordered ham hock for starters, followed by creamy Chicken Supreme and sticky toffee pudding, a proper centre-half’s dinner and no mistake.

It’s not just a cultural thing either. Ronaldo’s countryman Bruno Fernandes started off with goat’s cheese, followed by medium-cooked steak with sweet potato fries, halloumi and spinach, polished off with, once again, sticky toffee pudding. What about Jesse Lingard, he of the injury time blunder in Bern? Deep-fried chicken tempura, cheeseburger with halloumi fries and mac and cheese on the side and, you’ve guessed it, sticky toffee pudding.

No post-match analysis needed — get the poor guy some Gaviscon.

According to Lee Grant, Ronaldo’s plate at the aforementioned meal included an austere combination of “quinoa, avocado, and a couple of boiled eggs,” making it clear that under the Portuguese superstar’s influence, the United squad will neither have their cake nor eat it.

So, will Ronaldo’s healthy eating help United on the pitch this season? Will they be more about stepovers than turnovers? More Lionel Messi than Eton Mess? More Thierry Henry than tiramisu? Less panna cotta, more Tony Cottee (okay I’ll stop now)?

Ole Gunnar Solksjaer played down talk of Ronaldo as an accusatory Gillian McKeith figure, prodding through his team-mates’ poo in search of surreptitious sausage rolls. “That’s obviously a joke by Granty in a setting with some mates or ex-players,” the United manager said when asked about the quotes.

“Of course, it’s not like we lived with junk food before Cristiano came and he changed it all. I think he’s proven over the years how to look after himself and I think he’ll be an example for many other players in how to prolong your career.”

While the benefits are obvious, some United players may take the new culinary direction with a pinch of salt. Very often when a new manager comes into a club, adjustments to the canteen menu generate more headlines than innovative training methods, mainly because players love to moan about killjoy changes to their refuelling regime.

This goes back as far as Arsene Wenger, a Sir Walter Raleigh figure who introduced pasta and broccoli to these islands. More recently, Marcelo Bielsa forbade his hard-working Leeds charges from enjoying a traditional Sunday roast after a hard-week of murderball.

Others are less fondly remembered. Paolo Di Canio’s grim reign as Il Duce at Sunderland is recalled for the banning of ketchup and mayonnaise. Giovanni Trapattoni was “stunned into silence” when he encountered members of the Irish squad eating mushrooms (not the magic kind, though that would explain a lot).

And David Moyes’s ill-fated spell as Manchester United manager never recovered from his decision to ban chips from the training ground canteen. “It’s not something to go to the barricades over. But all the lads were pissed off,” wrote Rio Ferdinand in his autobiography. “And guess what happened after Moyes left and Ryan Giggs took over?” Needless to say, the chips were back.

Which brings us, in the style of a glazed doughnut, full circle. Time will tell if Ronaldo’s clean eating will help United clean up, but for the moment those in the squad with a sweet tooth must accept it’s a red card for the brownies.

They think it’s pavlova — it is now.