Some not-so-serious predictions for 2015
2015 is the 100th anniversary of The Year Before The 1916 Rebellion. In keeping with the lead-up to any Irish rebellion, this year will include events called ‘Unrealistic Expectations’, ‘A Joint Event With A European Power That Gets Cancelled’ and the ceremonial ‘Hiring Of Spies And Infiltrators’.
Met Éireann’s Evelyn Cusack is questioned by Gardaí, following reports she struck an amateur long-range weather forecaster with a science book, after he released yet another codological story about four roasting summers, and a white Christmas every year until 2020.
Ireland’s first football qualifier of 2015 takes place, against Poland. The game is notable for the lack of any story involving Roy Keane and the past, and that lack is distracting the players. One player tells journalists: “We were used to Roy taking all the attention. We could get on with the preparations, but we’ve all been a little unnerved by how much focus there has been on the actual match.”
Easter is neither particularly early nor late this year, forcing thousands to think of something else to say by way of small-talk.
This month sees the release of a new must-have gadget: the Phone Drone. A tiny plane that takes your phone off somewhere there’s reception, to send a text to let people know that reception is “cat” where you are, but that’ll you see them outside the shop as arranged.
The gay marriage referendum is narrowly passed, helped hugely by a software glitch that causes Netflix to crash, forcing thousands — who swore they would vote yes, but then got stuck into binge-watching — to finally get off their couches.
The main parties suffer in the polls as it looks like independents and Sinn Fein may take more than 60% of the vote in a future election. Fine Gael are accused of scaremongering, as their election manifesto contains photos of nuclear holocaust, zombies and plagues, underneath the slogan ‘Is This What You Want?’
It is another watershed for the Rose of Tralee as, for the first time, Roses can elect to have a female escort. Organisers insist that they must be “up for the craic” and “good banter” and be able to do a sheepish grin if picked out by Daithi from the stage.
The eighth Rugby World Cup opens in London. There is an emotional tribute to Brian O’Driscoll, to mark his first year of retirement.
The chairman of the banking inquiry rejects allegations that it was toothless as he releases its preliminary conclusions in a slim volume, entitled “It Was Terrible Altogether Wasn’t It, But Shur What Can You Do?”
The Dublin Web Summit is another huge success. One of the star attractions is the latest tech billionaire, Zoltan Venture, the founder of TrouserBiscuit, a company that doesn’t make anything. Venture tells the 400,000 strong crowd that “you have to like, um, you know, just go for it, dude” and advises Enda Kenny that Ireland should join the euro. Anonymous threaten to hack into the summit, but, luckily, the broadband goes down just in time. On November 20, a number of people are injured in shopping centres, in scrums trying to avoid the rush on Black Friday.
Irish Water celebrates its first month without a controversy. Its CEO tells the press: “There was literally nothing left to discover”.
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