The importance of finding a good housemate

AFTER last week’s paean to oddness I realise that it’s not practical for everyone to be odd and proud. I forget that I have a bit more leeway.

After all, I’m living with someone who is contractually bound to try and make a go of things for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, through times of normality and “Colm do you HAVE to make that noise with your neck?”

Many people can’t be so honest with themselves because their position is more precarious. For example, because they need to convince others to accept them as housemates.

This is the time of year when many people are on the move — starting new jobs or college years.

While I’m not advocating complete subterfuge, you can’t be bringing your bad self into the flat-hunting process.

For many, the first house-share it will be the first time we realise that some people are Very Strange Indeed.

It’s hard to spot them in the short period of time of a housemate interview. And some people don’t interview it all. But really they should. Think of the time taken to pick a suitable employee. There is an initial screening of the CV in order to eliminate people who have misspelled the name of the company they want to join. There are — or there should be — further eliminations of people who begin their CVs with a mission statement describing themselves as passionate. This is followed by rounds of interviews and references from previous employers are available.

But in the world of shared accommodation there is rarely such background checking done. Previous flatmates are not rung up. You are not asked to give examples of times in the past when you took initiative with the bins.

It may be necessary to compress some life behaviours into a short interview. The best way to do that is to make the prospective housemate a cup of tea but — this is the important bit — leave the teabag in the mug. Watch carefully what the applicant does with the teabag. If they ask, “what will I do with this” or ask if ye have a brown bin, that’s a good sign. If they hurl the soggy bag against the wall and light up a fag, then put their muddy boots on your crocheted cushion cover, that’s a bad sign. If they inquire about putting the hot cup down on the wood, again it shows a conscientiousness even if the nearest thing to a coaster the house has is a housemate who hasn’t been promoted in decades. It’s illuminating too how they feel about the different brands. If they refuse because it’s not Barry’s, though they are noble they may be intransigent. Ideally they should be willing to accept Aldi’s one as a compromise.

Obviously if they say they don’t drink tea then you must gently take them by the arm and show them to the door. If they’ve brought biscuits, give them the damn room on the spot.