Perilous Prendergast shoots from the lip

Oh, how embarrassing. You’re in the middle of a furious, relationship- ending row, and suddenly the doorbell rings and you remember this is the night you invited the neighbours over for drinks.

Such was the scene as Eamon Gilmore and a few of his closest enemies — sorry, his TDs and Euro election candidates — put on their best fake smiles and pretend air kisses as they gathered at a swanky Dublin art gallery to welcome Brussels big cheese Martin Schulz to the happy little party that is Labour.

However, at least it gave European parliament president Mr Schulz the chance to say goodbye in person to Labour’s sitting MEPs, who had very little chance of returning to Brussels with him even before self-destructing Ireland South MEP Phil Prendergast came up with the unusual, but highly memorable, campaign slogan: “Vote Labour — Our Leader’s Crap!”

Dear old Phil, the Kamikaze candidate/ political strategic genius (delete according IQ level), was on hand to delight in the canapes as her host hoped a mouthful of delicacies might stop her lobbing out from it the verbal hand grenades for which she is now so famous.

Though Eamon was probably aiming for low-key, the atmosphere was as tense as one would expect at a cocktail party held in a western embassy in Tehran while it was being besieged by a student mob. Even Joan Burton, Labour’s deadly ambitious deputy leader, looked a bit embarrassed to be in the company of panicky Prendergast — despite describing her as a “person of substance” even after Phil plunged the knife into Eamon’s front.

You could say Eamon has never really had much luck with the ladies. Phil has claimed his lack of leadership ability is an “elephant cantering around the room, breaking things”.

Nessa Childers walked out on Mr Gilmore mid-term and now looks set to add insult to injury by ousting Labour’s official candidate Emer Costello in the party’s Dublin heartland on May 23. And then there’s Joan — the loyal deputy who stuffed her family’s shed with “Gilmore For Taoiseach” posters rather than put them out on display during the general election, and when asked if they ended up on a bonfire, trilled: “Oh, no — that would be illegal!”

But Joan, like everyone else at the jittery gathering, was on best behaviour and remarked: “They all look very happy!” as Phil and Eamon sidled-up to each other for the obligatory team photo.

The spread of chardonnay socialism on offer was impressive as tables groaned under the weight of smoked salmon, fine brie, and goat’s cheese tartlets — while the voters just groaned under the weight of the impending water tax.

Ah, the self-styled People’s Party at play.

Bizarrely, Eamon insisted on canvassing for Phil, even though she does not think he is up to the job of being leader — and even more strangely, Ms Prendergast denied this made her a hypocrite.

As the wine glasses tinkled, everyone pretended they were having such a good time in each other’s company, but the music was provided by that old, bitter-sweet, classic: ‘Smile, Though Your Party’s Breaking’.