Fine Gael taking the P ahead of the budget

Oh, what a party. With mandatory dayglo orange wrist bands sporting the upbeat message “Have A Great Day!” and heavy police presence, the Fine Gael national conference had something of the feel of an illegal 1990’s rave about it — just without the light sticks and artificial stimulants.

But this crowd did not need E, they were all hooked on P — positivity — indeed, just days before inflicting yet another misery budget on the country, you could say the whole party was taking the P.

That surge of desperate, almost manic, positivity was exemplified by the cringe-making Q and A session broadcast live by RTÉ Saturday morning which was so sycophantic it would have made North Korean TV blush.

While members of the Cabinet reeled under heavy fire questioning from Máiréad McGuinness, Enda Kenny seemed to be putting his speech together from the meaningless inanities politicians in The Simpsons always spout.

How else could you explain a line as dumb as: “And so to the future — where we all have to live.”

Despite the fact that everyone else lives in the rather grim present, it was also an odd thing to say as most of the speech and its warm-up was firmly rooted in the past.

A rather clunky video was shown in the hall to remind everyone just how evil Fianna Fáil is, not so much Reeling In The Years, more Dwelling In The Fears: “Oh, there’s Biffo looking shabby. Hiss! There’s Bertie looking shifty. Boo!” And then there was a shot of the Mahon corruption probe report, but, strangely, no mention of the similar Moriarty tribunal verdict which made such uncomfortable reading for Fine Gael and members of the Cabinet.

And then there was Enda. Thankfully the Taoiseach did not burst onto the stage to the sound of Swedish House Mafia or Deadmau5, but the rather more sedate strains of Snow Patrol’s Open Your Eyes which was perhaps not the best choice as it boasts lyrics such as: “All this feels strange and untrue/And I’m getting so tired and old/The anger swells in my guts/And I won’t feel these slices and cuts,” — but, unfortunately the rest of us will feel €2.5bn worth of slices and cuts tomorrow.

A small demonstration across the road could be heard in the hall, but the chants were largely incomprehensible, so it sounded like the audio mixing desk had picked-up wailing from a horror film and filtered them through the speakers along with the Taoiseach.

The shouting by mainly anti-X Case legislation demonstrators had stopped by the time Mr Kenny got to the relevant section of his text, and that was greeted in a rather chilly silence.

The crowd did not exactly go wild at the end either, but the buzz of P was still electric in the air as Enda painted a picture of an almost unrecognisable country bursting out of the bailout and mass unemployment just like that.

But as with all weekend raves, the party must climax with a bad come down and a Moody Tuesday — otherwise known as the Budget.