Having HIV is not a death sentence
I WAS single, I was out there and I did get involved with risky behaviour.”
This is the confession of a Cork mother who has lived with HIV for 10 years.
Hearing the nurse declare her as HIV positive was an experience Sarah (not her real name) likens to an episode of “tunnel vision”. She remembers sinking back into the chair in shock.
“I felt fear. It was something I had never experienced before. I didn’t know what was going to happen next. I felt like it was the end,” she says.
Sarah had just split from her long-term partner and had begun a few brief, casual relationships.
It was six months later when the mother of two decided to get tested at a sexual health clinic.
“I didn’t have any symptoms of any sort but I knew I had been stupid. The nurse who diagnosed me was not very supportive. I remember him showing me diagrams and not understanding a bit of it. What I would have loved is the chance to speak to somebody like me now, 10 years down the line, living with HIV.”
Sarah did not take medication immediately after her diagnosis as her blood tests proved her immune system was still strong.
“Now I wake up and take three tablets with my vitamins every morning. My everyday life is normal enough although I do get tired easily.”
Sarah is working part-time and has a new career interest but her experience living with HIV has not always been so positive. A recent report states rates of depression are five to 10 times higher in people living with HIV and Sarah suffered the condition for years.
“I would bring my child to school and go straight back to bed. I would pass graveyards and wonder when I would be going there. I had absolutely no support.
“The first clinic I visited had a poster showing the effects of Aids in Africa and I thought what am I doing here, I really, really don’t belong here.”
Sarah kept her condition a secret for years, saying she was not in the “right headspace” to share the news with her friends and family. “Part of sharing the news is reassuring your loved ones that you are expected to still enjoy a normal life. I wasn’t ready for that. It is a lonely illness. You feel like you have to be careful of who you tell, you’re aware of who you could hurt by telling.”
Sarah regrets telling certain friends, saying it “backfired” on her. She says she learnt a lesson and thinks twice who she can trust now. “You feel like it is the elephant in the room when you suffer from HIV but now I realise I am still a normal person.”
Sarah is in a stable relationship now. Her partner knows about her condition and is HIV negative.
“New relationships are difficult,” she says, “it is hard to be as open as you may wish to be.”
Sarah stresses the importance of getting tested early to avoid a more dangerous diagnosis. She believes it is easier than many believe to contract a disease like HIV.
She also stresses the help the Cork Sexual Health Centre provides for her, and although Sarah would love to meet people in the city who are also HIV positive she says: “Cork’s too small a place... I’d be constantly afraid of who I could bump into”.
“Not everyone’s as lucky as I am. But I want people to know you can still lead a successful life with HIV. If I had had the chance to speak to people like me I would have been more reassured at the time.
“Support, support, support is so important. It would have made a huge difference to me... I am a very positive person now, I do not feel held back at all. But I have done a lot of work on myself and I am kinder to myself. But this has all taken time, a lot of time, most definitely.”
* Dublin Aids Alliance 01 8733799 The Sexual Health Clinic Cork 021 4276676
