Mum says, ‘god help me in the Wild West’. Ireland’s reputation is on the line. Things have to go smoothly...

Sunday, 8.45am. My mother, two daughters, sister, her four offspring and big, bounding dog that runs off all the time are coming to visit.

My mother is due to arrive in Cork airport this afternoon.

From there she will be collected by my sister who is timing her own departure this morning from the boondocks of Sligo so that she might pick up my mother “at half three on the exact dot” — and transport her down to me.