My ‘rectangle of doom’ phone is far too smart

THERE are few first world problems more humiliating than being too dumb for your smartphone. There you are, minding your own business, when the phone people ring up and tell you what a good customer you are.

How they would like to give you a free upgrade to a fancier phone. They sound so enthusiastic, using words like megapixels, which you pretend to understand because you don’t want to look too stupid.

By the time you hang up — note the archaic term, meaning to replace an old-school telephone receiver on top of an old-school telephone – this whole thing already feels like a bad idea. It has taken you about five years to get the hang of the old phone, the one named after a hedge fruit with a pixie sized keyboard – but being a consumerist sucker, you cannot resist the words ‘free upgrade’. Besides, you are the last person you know who still doesn’t have a smartphone. It’s a bit like being a forty year old virgin. Your children find your reluctance to digitally engage embarrassing.