You've got mail

IT’S the part of the internet that makes you a little sheepish. You’re filling out a form, typing in your name and address, and then the website asks for your ZIP code.

You almost blush on behalf of Ireland. It’s like being the customer in a queue whose situation is complicated and needs to speak to someone sympathetic in order ‘to explain your situation. “Well, it’s like this, you see ... I’m from Ireland, we haven’t got ZIP codes.” You can hear the rest of the internet sniggering. “Even we have postal codes” — whispers an Afghan sardonically, “and our country has been in a permanent state of war since 1980.” In the end, as the website tut-tutts, you hastily type 0000 into the field and carry on.

That is all going to change. We are getting postcodes.

Of course, technically we already have postcodes. Although the Dublin postcode is less a postcode, more a signifier of class.

There are even Cork postcodes, but they don’t seem to be used – like a vestigial tail. I first became aware of them when I used to work at Christmas in the sorting office in Eglinton St in Cork. I saw envelopes with Cork 4 written on them. At first I thought it was a sort of jokey reference. But there was also Cork 1, 2, 3 and 4.

I’m sure I’m not the only one who has, between the ages of 0 and 25, written his address out as fully as possible: Agharina, Dripsey, Co Cork, Munster, Ireland, Europe, The World, Earth, The Solar System, The Milky Way (and in a quantum leap) The Universe, God.

While postcodes won’t prevent that, they will introduce a kind of alphanumeric certainty, thus removing the need to specific which Galaxy you live in.

There are never going to be conversations “We were flying until ANOTHER JOHN TWOMEY moved in. And after that, then, I’d say there wasn’t a week went by that the post didn’t get mixed up. Although we became good friends after that. Would you believe didn’t they invite us to the daughter’s wedding?”

Postcodes have a serious benefit. Emergency services will save valuable minutes by being able to locate a house immediately, but this has its downsides. You will now only need to put the postcode into your sat nav and the GPS will bring you directly to your destination. There’s a strong argument that these should be the only people allowed to use them.

Otherwise we will see the regrettable phasing out of the complex network of ould lads leaning against walls chewing on a blade of grass and passing on gnomic directions to puzzled tourists.

This will have a devastating effect on any authors writing humorous books about ‘the real Ireland’.

It’s potentially a serious issue. It will need to be addressed.