Making a name for myself on Facebook

ACCORDING to research that I can’t be bothered to find, never mind verify, if you’re not on Facebook you’re a psychopath.

Yet I have gamely resisted, for years now, without recourse to psychopathy — although you’ll have to take my word for it. To misquote Meatloaf, I would do anything for work, but I won’t do that.

Until now. At last, I have been worn down. It’s as if all paths lead there. Social events, campaigns, demonstrations, photo shares, who has broken up with who, who has had a baby, got a new dog, moved house, changed job, went to a gig, lost their keys, had toast for breakfast — if I want to know anything, I need to join up. But goddamn it, I don’t want to.