Enda makes his plea for some concessions from Merkel
Taoiseach: Angela, could I have a word please? Chancellor (smiling): You can have five minutes. Would you like a picture too, like the one I let you have taken with me before your election last year, to help you win it?
Taoiseach: I’d prefer a word in private please. I know you don’t like me asking for things publicly…
Chancellor (smile, disappearing): Yes, yes, all right so. I need a bit of a break from all of this talking, this arguing, this pleading by everyone to us Germans to sort everything out for them, this need others have for us to solve their problems. Francoise Hollande in one ear, Mario Monti in the other, van Rompuy and Barroso telling me that they have the solutions when nobody knows anything. Is it drawing up your budget that you want more help on? Somebody told me that our drafts are ready for your government to endorse. More taxes, more cuts, to put you back on your feet, get you back into the markets… Happy, no?
Taoiseach: No, no, not that and please don’t mention our budget publicly this weekend, I beg you. I’m getting enough flak back home about these things being discussed publicly in the German parliament before I even allow my ministers to talk about them. It makes us look…well, as if we’re not totally in control of things…as if you… Awkward silence… So let’s not talk about the budget, but the situation that dictates that we talk about the budget, the situation that I inherited, that I didn’t create but which I’m now responsible for solving, that is, you can help me to solve it…
Chancellor: What on earth are you talking about? Be straightforward Taoiseach, get to the point.
Taoiseach: It’s those bank debts that we had to borrow money from the Trioka to repay, those private debts of the banks that the State now has to repay…
Chancellor: Ah, not again, Enda, not again. Please don’t be asking me for the same things again. You know the answers.
Taoiseach: But I need something, something for the Irish people, for me politically. Paddy needs a break.
Chancellor: A break? You mean like I’m having now for five minutes with you, instead of dealing with Spain and Italy and big countries that really matter? Or you mean like a holiday? Like the one that your football fans had in Poland, when they were able to afford that. Is that what you mean? When Paddy had his joke at my expense written on his flag?
Taoiseach: Obviously, we can’t be held responsible for what some people write on their flags and I’m very sorry about that and I’ll have someone look into it. And we weren’t able to impose travel restrictions on Paddy when he decides to take a holiday.
Chancellor: Or stop them drinking and singing. You are a very happy people, are you not, with plenty of our money to do all of that?
Taoiseach: Well not really but look, that’s not really the point…
Chancellor: It’s not, no? I saw lots of Greeks too when I went to see my team triumph gloriously against them last Friday night and I thought: “who’s paying for all these of Greeks to be here?” At least they saw who was better organised and prepared, didn’t they Prime Minister? Are we nearly finished yet? I need to get back.
Taoiseach: We’re getting away from the point here and I know you’re very busy and I’m deeply appreciative of the time you’re taking…
Chancellor: And your point is?
Taoiseach: When we say “a break” I suppose we mean a deal, a beneficial one?
Chancellor: Beneficial to who?
Taoiseach: Paddy, my advisor, tells me that what would be good for Ireland would be good for Europe and he said that I was to tell you that…
Chancellor: And in what way would it be good for Germany?
Taoiseach: Well, Paddy, who does all this sort of stuff for me, tells me that he’s read something that said in the first year following a euro collapse, the German economy would shrink by up to 10% and the ranks of the unemployed would swell to more than 5 million people. And that it gets worse after that.
Silence from both of them…
Taoiseach: So, there’s been a lot of talk about Eurobonds…
Chancellor: Not in my lifetime, as I told my parliament this week, and not over my dead body in case you get any ideas.
Taoiseach: Of course not, of course not, perish the thought. But, eh, can I ask you
Chancellor, why not Eurobonds? A bit of solidarity if you like, sharing as part of a union, don’t you know?
Chancellor: Because I’m not picking up the bill. Why should I pay more for German borrowing to give you cheaper borrowing when you’ll waste the money on drunken holidays in Poland while my virtuous workers do extra hours for less pay?
Taoiseach: But it would be to Germany’s benefit, for your exports to the rest of the EU, if other European countries had the ability to borrow more cheaply and cut back on this oul austerity. If we didn’t have to cover the loss of repaying the loans to recapitalise the banks, and if we weren’t paying those damn bank bondholders, we’d be able to manage the rest of our budgets much better. We’d be able to go back to the markets for our loans.
Chancellor: Wishful thinking Enda.
Taoiseach: Well I haven’t seen you suggest a better way.
Frosty silence.
Chancellor (in icy tone): Is that what you think?
Taoiseach (sheepishly): I don’t mean any disrespect. Look I’ve told them back home that I won’t thump the table and roar and shout this weekend, that I’ll be patient. But I’m getting hell for that and I can’t wait forever. I’m getting hell at home for being too passive. I have to make a play Angela and it has to get me something or I’m toast.
Chancellor: If I want to walk on you I will Taoiseach.
Taoiseach (after he swallows): Angela, we took a hit for Europe but it was too big a hit. We were asked by the ECB to shoulder the hit for the banks. You only lent us the money. Our State has to make all the repayments, but the money should come from the European Stability Mechanism and be repaid by the banks directly to it. I didn’t put that damn bank guarantee in place so don’t blame me for that.
Chancellor: It was your government. You live by what your predecessors did.
Taoiseach: Look, I have it written down here somewhere…Paddy gave me a note, yes here it is: I want the European Stability Mechanism, to be given the power to rescue banks directly without the money going on to the national debt of the country concerned. There you are, problem solved. Look, you’re going to have to give us the banking union.
Chancellor: You are as bad as these French, Italians, Spanish and the rest, with all of these ideas for joint liability, but no respect for improved controls and structural measures to bring you all under control. I am for Europe. We need more Europe. You need more Europe Enda. More.
Taoiseach: Angela please, we need growth, jobs, an economic stimulus.
Chancellor: We can’t always get what we want Taoiseach can we? You’ve had your five minutes. If you make a contribution inside at the meeting I expect that I’ll find it to be a useful one. Understood?
* The Last Word with Matt Cooper is broadcast on 100-102 Today FM, Monday to Friday, 4.30pm to 7pm.
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