My epic airport marathon: Surviving walking 89km in heels

The dead guy in the raincoat punched me in the kidneys. They called my flight before the relationship ended, which meant the chair continued to wallop the air as if the dead guy was sporadically animated by a cattle prod.

THEY shout at you from the moment you park. The first voice tells you to take your parking ticket with you and pay up before you rejoin your vehicle. There are, it announces, no cashiers at the exit.

As soon as you get away from that first voice, you get the female who tells you you’re heading for Departure Gates A and to turn back if you want to get to the B gates. Which is kind of her, but kind of selective. If you speak only French, Mandarin or Polish, you can keep going, as far as she’s concerned.