Time to wake up and smell the spin

SOME newspapers go to extra lengths to satisfy their readers. The New York Times has just announced the appointment of its first perfume critic, who will assess and rate the various scents on the market.

“Perfume is an art form just like others from theatre to painting to music, so we’re excited to be the first to cover perfume in this way,” a paper spokeswoman Diane McNulty, said.

Disappointing as it is to relate, the Irish Examiner hasn’t got round to hiring its own perfume critic just yet. But we did give thought to appointing a political press release critic, an expert who might, perhaps, be known colloquially as a “bullshit detector”.

His or her job would be to sniff out the claptrap and codswallop contained in the mountains of press releases the various parties will issue in the run-up to the election. It might be too olfactorily overwhelming for one person, though, given there will be no shortage of it. Take this week, for example.

On Thursday, PD Senator Tom Morrissey issued an angry missive about taxi drivers who are threatening to strike in protest at the new fee structure being introduced by the industry regulator later this year.

Morrissey said he was “outraged that a small number of militant drivers could attempt to hold an independent regulator and the country to ransom”.

Well, for a start, the “small number of militant drivers” comprises the three main taxi unions, which sounds like rather a lot of persons to us. Maybe it’s not just the Leaving Cert generation struggling with maths.

Secondly, this column would humbly suggest that the term “holding the country to ransom” is something of an exaggeration.

There is no doubt that any work stoppage by taxi drivers would have an effect on citizens and tourists, and on the public and private sector alike. But the country will not shut down if the taxi drivers do go ahead and strike.

The same day, Labour TD Joe Costello issued an epistle about the boardwalk along the Liffey in Dublin.

That morning, a newspaper had revealed that drug dealing was a serious problem on the boardwalk.

But Costello made it sound like it was Baghdad. “The boardwalk was once a novelty for people to walk along when they visited Dublin, but unfortunately it has become a no-go area because of these activities,” he said.

Well, that’s not quite true. No one is denying the drugs problem involved. But tourists and citizens alike wander the boardwalk every day, and sit down to have a coffee and chat or read a book. Suffice to say, it’s not quite like stepping beyond the Green Zone just yet.

Fianna Fáil TDs are equally prone to exaggeration. Following Enterprise Minister Micheal Martin’s announcement of draft consumer protection legislation this week, his party colleague, Tallaght TD Charlie O’Connor, rushed out a breathless statement.

We’ll spare you from all but the conclusion, in which O’Connor stated: “The full details of the new laws will be published in the autumn and I will be remaining in close contact with the minister to ensure that we are given every possible protection as soon as possible.”

Somehow, one suspects the likes of the Taoiseach, the Tánaiste, the Attorney General and the other members of the Cabinet will be the ones with whom Micheal Martin will consult. Charlie — injurious to his ego as this may be — will be way down the list, and won’t “ensure” anything.

This was just a fraction of the dross released by the various parties in the last few days — and this is a quiet period, because the Dáil and Seanad are on summer recess until September 27 and most politicians are on holiday.

Once the Dáil and Seanad resume, the countdown to next summer’s election will begin in earnest. The spin machines of the various parties will put their shoulders to the wheel and churn out the press releases. Virtually every TD — even the small number on whom cobwebs have grown, so static have they been since elected — will find something to say. The offices of every newspaper will be deluged by the pulped content of several dozen acres of Amazonian rainforest.

Which is why we gave thought to the appointment of a political press release critic. But health and safety experts warned there wasn’t a soul on earth hardy enough to trudge through the tonnes of garrulousness and guff. And the editor, being a kindly sort (and perhaps mindful, too, of the fact that the insurers would not play ball) decided it wasn’t worth a person’s health. So sadly, for now, we will have to leave it to the New York Times to break new ground…