Bertie a socialist? Now, even his promises are being cut back

YESTERDAY’s Book of Estimates, as an indicator of what could eventually emerge from this neo-socialist Government’s Budget, must come as a great relief to the Progressive Democrats.

It shows that Bertie Ahern didn’t even have a close shave with socialism, and Fianna Fáil, to paraphrase the U2 song, still hasn’t found what Bertie is looking for.

Maybe he was looking up the notorious trees in North Dublin, but there was not a sign of anything that appeared in the Estimates to remotely suggest that it was influenced by a committed socialist.

Finance Minister Brian Cowen’s first Book of Estimates, a kind of a curtain-raiser to what will be in the Budget next month, was remarkable in what it failed to do.

Mary Harney might now be regretting that she demanded the health portfolio, and having had her way, immediately pronounced that the question of the missing medical cards would be one of the first things she would address.

Well, they weren’t so much missing as undelivered. As soon as they served their purpose in helping the previous government get back into power, the promised 200,000 extra medical cards were soon forgotten.

Yesterday, Brian Cowen promised 30,000 of them, but that’s not even a fraction of what was promised. In any case, the number of them had diminished by over 100,000 since the general election. So what Brian Cowen promised is really only a fraction of a fraction.

To get back to phantom socialists, it appeared that Taoiseach Bertie Ahern seemed finally destined for a home for the bewildered after his assertion last weekend he is one of the few socialists left in Irish politics. To assert that Bertie Ahern is a socialist is to accuse George W Bush of being an intellectual pacifist. And if you’re inclined to believe either, you probably also think that Shergar will start as the favourite in the 3.45 at Naas tomorrow.

It was probably no coincidence that in the same week that Bertie Ahern came out as a socialist, the Economist magazine announced that Ireland was the best country to live in.

Both revelations were riveting, and have one thing in common: they were an assault on the truth proportionate with the American bombardment of Fallujah.

Our beloved Taoiseach might have had a brainstorm over the weekend because he also compared Charlie Haughey to a sportsman, albeit one who had merely played a few bad games. I presume those occasions were when he was togged out in the Charvet colours, ones he could well afford from the £8.5m that banks, stockbrokers and top businessmen contributed for his benefit over a period of 17 years.

Haughey’s career was studded by milestones, and most of them had a pound symbol in front of them, many of them propped up by Ansbacher.

But, in fairness to him, he never claimed to be a socialist.

Bertie Ahern’s born-again socialism and his defence of Charlie Haughey’s contribution to Irish politics came during interviews he gave to RTÉ and TV3 television to mark his 10 years as leader of Fianna Fáil. If the poor man had some kind of mental eruption after a decade of trying to control that lot, it was understandable.

It would in some measure explain his confused personality and his extraordinary attempt to rehabilitate Haughey, whose “immense” contribution would be judged by history in a good light.

The reason he embarked on a process of trying to redeem the discredited former Taoiseach and leader of Fianna Fáil at this juncture is surely buried somewhere in the recesses of his head.

But, on a more sombre note, there should be concern for our Taoiseach’s clarity of thinking after he said “I am a true Socialist. I believe in sharing, I believe in caring. I am happiest when I see people who are on the margins getting ahead.”

Surprising, then, for one who professes such a caring and sharing attitude, that there was such an overwhelming display of ingratitude towards everything he and his party stands for at the local and European elections.

The man is badly in need of some counselling.

Of course, another explanation for his socialist aberration might be that he never said it. Like Saddam Hussein, the Taoiseach could have a few lookalikes to be sent out to make public appearances on dodgy occasions.

Maybe it was a doppelganger, a covert Haughey supporter who had lost the plot a bit and came up with the idiotic statement that he was a socialist. For good measure, he threw in the bit about Haughey as well, on the basis that if you’re going to baffle your audience then you might as well go the full hog.

The thing is that Bertie Ahern seems to have adopted this new disguise with relish - or should I say smoked salmon - as have a few of those around him.

COMMUNICATIONS Minister Noel Dempsey seems to have taken to heart the fact that, since Sunday night, he is now a member of a socialist party - and he’s proud of it.

Endorsing his leader’s newfound ideology, he declared, “Wealth is generated in this country that can be spent on education, health services and on social welfare and we’ve succeeded in doing that. I think we’ve heard a lot of waffle and rhetoric from the left and from socialists.”

He’s right that money can be spent on education, health services and social welfare - but not by this government so far. He highlighted three of the areas which, for years, have been shamefully neglected by this Government. And he’s also right that there’s a lot of waffle and rhetoric from socialists. After all, doesn’t his boss profess to be one.

I don’t know if it was a socialist who wrote in the Economist magazine that Ireland is the best place to live, but it was certainly full of rhetoric and waffle.

Maybe it is a grand place for the filthy rich, but for the majority of us it comes as a revelation that in a survey of 111 countries, based on a series of quality of life indexes, we rank number one. God help the other 110. We beat countries like the United States, Britain, Switzerland, France, Norway and Luxembourg.

According to the survey, Ireland’s success was because, unlike most other wealthy countries, it had retained strong traditional values.

One of those strong traditional values must be the fact that young people cannot afford to buy a house here.

On the day the results of the survey were reported, it was also reported that Irish house prices had jumped by €24,000. Buying an average house outside Dublin now costs about €246,300 and around €322,899 in the capital.

Another traditional value is that many people cannot afford proper medical care because they cannot afford to visit a doctor. If, by the kind of luck it takes to win the lottery, they get into a hospital, the chances are they will have to queue on a trolley for hours, if not days, before they get a bed.

You would also need to have won the lottery if you want to go out for a meal. The survey also found that while family breakdown, yobbishness and drunken violence are social realities, they affect Ireland much less than other developed countries.

So, the next time you’re left half dead by a gang of drunken louts, just remember that you are far better off than if it happened in one of 110 other countries.

Bertie Ahern’s assertion that he’s a socialist and the findings of that survey prove that The Fairytales of Ireland is not a closed book.