We have a pantomime politician to fill every role on the stage
But I can still remember the excitement, the noise, the anticipation when the orchestra started tuning its instruments.
In honour of the memory, I'm instituting the first Annual Political Pantomime Awards. With a cast of hundreds, and storylines you couldn't invent, it's been a fascinating year. And the great thing is, nearly all the leading pantomime characters were represented.
He slept through all the meetings where the subject matter was discussed. He slept through any and all occasions where the minutes of meeting were being read. He only woke up with a start when a Cabinet reshuffle changed him like magic from being the Minister for Health to being Minister for Enterprise and Employment.
But because he had been asleep, he had missed all references to the illegality of a practice that he had presided over for years, namely the ripping-off of patients in public nursing homes. For his ability to snooze through any disturbing piece of information and to remain blissfully unaware of it for years after he should have known, this year's Sleeping Beauty Award goes to Micheál Martin.
No doubt about the winner here. Bah, humbug! was his response to any notion that the Constitution ought to be based on the notion of greater equality. Even though he claimed to be interested in claiming back the ideals of the republic from the republicans, he still insisted that inequality was good for us.
His referendum on citizenship changed the nature of Irish citizenship, and the mean-spirited Disability Bill produced by his department showed that they believe in second-class citizenship. Come up and receive the Ebeneezer Scrooge Award, Michael McDowell.
Once again it goes to Northern Ireland. Another year when it seemed likely that the beautiful province and her people would know their destiny, another year when the great peace and reconciliation carriage turned back into a pumpkin at the stroke of midnight. Perhaps next year Prince Tony will finally be able to fit the glass slipper onto Northern Ireland's dainty foot.
Cinderella wouldn't be complete without the Two Ugly Sisters. Typically, this year they fought like cats and dogs over a photograph to the extent that they were prepared to put the peace of the kingdom at risk. For their pettiness in falling out over a little picture, while ignoring the big picture entirely, here's hoping that Ian and Gerry will be willing to share the same stage long enough to receive this year's Ugly Sisters Award.
He spent most of the early part of the year telling us what was good for us, but e-voting was opposed by the great majority of the people. And when finally he was forced to consult experts, he couldn't persuade them that the system was safe. Most people thought the Beast of electronic voting would disappear without trace, but lo and behold like his friend, Micheál he escaped through the magic of the reshuffle. But when he left the Department of the Environment, he left the Beauty behind in the Custom House, and the way she was appointed has returned to haunt him. It will be small consolation for him because he's facing a difficult political Christmas, but we're awarding the Beauty and the Beast Award to Martin Cullen.
He called for his pipe and he called for his fiddlers three he may never qualify for an award like this in normal times, but our next recipient has been given the task of bringing sweetness and light into all our lives until the general election is over. The minute that happens, of course, in the unlikely event that he holds onto his present job, he is more likely to be competing for the Ebeneezer Scrooge Award, but for now the Old King Cole Award goes to our jolly old soul of a Finance Minister, Brian Cowen.
We weren't going to present this award in '04, as there didn't seem to be any obvious candidates. Then suddenly we heard the song, a bit distantly at first, then louder and louder. "Hi ho, hi ho, off to the Dáil we go, we'll moan all day, blame FF all the way"
This award goes to Mary Harney and her entire parliamentary party.
A year ago he was on top of the political ladder. His party couldn't do without him and he had effectively run the country's economy for six years. Not to everybody's advantage, of course, but the tax breaks he created for the better-off left him many grateful friends. But he probably felt the push in the small of his back when he saw Fr Sean Healy was invited to Inchydoney. Because he was right at the top at the start of 2004, and to all intents and purposes out of Irish politics altogether by the end of the year, we're giving the Humpty Dumpty Award this year to Charlie McCreevy.
It's not often these days that you see happy, smiling ministers. But there's one who has to keep sucking lemons to keep the silly grin off his face. It's the minister who thought he'd never be appointed, and now thinks it's the greatest thing ever to be in charge of the army. He has 10,000 men (actually nearer to 13,000 if you add them all up) and he'll lead them anywhere up hill, down again, wherever the Taoiseach suggests. Our Grand Old Duke of York Award this year goes to the best moustache in the Cabinet, Willie O'Dea.
And now to our premier award. We're moving slightly outside the world of pantomime to include the musical that has just been released as a movie because it so neatly sums up our main prizewinner.
A right-wing conservative one minute, a roaring socialist the next. He's managed to present himself as leader of the Government and of the opposition all at the same time. He's loyal to his team until they need it most, and then he's nowhere to be seen. But when he shafts a colleague, he leaves no fingerprints behind. Yes, folks, put your hands together for An Taoiseach Bertie Ahern, the supreme winner of this year's overall prize, the 2004 Phantom of the Opera Award.
And one final little prize...
He smiles in the face of adversity and his perennial wish is: "God bless us, every one." And this award is just for you.
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