I’m dreaming of a bling Christmas

SO I’M all set. The decorators have just left, the ice rink is installed in the front garden.

The professional skaters will be flown in from somewhere foreign to do pirouettes for the guests, and the hay has already been delivered for the live reindeer stored in the garage until that actor who is playing Santa turns up and hitches them to his sleigh.

Elves are included. The events company better have included a reindeer poop scoop too, and someone to operate it.

I mean, yes, £80,000* sounds like a lot to have the place done up, and obviously I could have scrimped and just had the halls professionally decked with holly and fa la la, but what’s the meaning of Christmas if it isn’t Swarovski-ing the entire front of the house so that the neighbours choke with envy every time they look out the window?

Speaking of Swarovski, my £24,000* Christmas jumper arrived. It actually looks a bit Primarky, and it’s too scratchy to wear, but that’s not the point. The point is the bling.

The dog’s ballgown – also covered in Swarovski – cost nearly double, at £40,000*, but to be fair the dog will look fabulous at Christmas lunch.

Every dog needs a ballgown, don’t they?

I might celebrate by popping open another door on the £10,000* advent calendar, and having a wee dram – it’s a rare whisky advent calendar.

I don’t even like the stuff, but again, that’s not the point. And the crackers should be delivered soon, from Fortnum & Mason. “Almost too beautiful to pull”, apparently – well they would be, six of them for £1,000*. Wonder what will be inside them, seeing as each one costs more than I pay my cleaner a month – a yoyo? Crap jokes?

Still, I bet nobody else has crackers that cost a grand. I’m really getting into the spirit of it now.

Of course I’m massively disappointed about the wreath.

It would have been the perfect talking point, seeing as I couldn’t get my hands on that $7 million* tree from the hotel in Abu Dhabi, the one that was covered in solid gold tinsel and baubles – I had no idea they did Christmas in Abu Dhabi, did you?

But I just had to make do with the two-storey one from the decorators instead. Oh well.

Anyway, the wreath. Turns out that it only lasts 12 days, even though I would have paid £2.8 million*, with all the diamonds and rubies on it.

The idea is to turn it into a necklace, but seriously, a shelf life of twelve days? I’d have wanted at least a month out of it, although you couldn’t really hang it on the outside of the door, as much as I would have loved to.

Too tempting for the poor people, if they had ever made it past the armed guards dressed as toy soldiers. Oh, I do love Christmas.

*Actual prices paid by actual people for actual stuff