'It was a trigger for me to be left waiting': Sinn Féin's Nicole Ryan recalls 'torture' after miscarriage

'It’s not your fault, but there is a shame and stigma attached to it and nobody talks about it,' the Cork North West Sinn Féin senator says

Senator Nicole Ryan shares the printout from her ultrasound at seven weeks in April 2024. Two days before her 12-week scan, she miscarried. Picture: Moya Nolan

It was early 2024 and Nicole Ryan was in transit through Heathrow Airport when she found out she was pregnant.

She was on her way home to Cork after a work trip when she made the discovery. However, on arriving home, Ms Ryan realised she knew very little about what her pregnancy would look like.

“I started to realise that I actually didn’t know enough about pregnancy, what it entails, what’s normal, what’s not normal,” Ms Ryan said.

Ms Ryan, a Sinn Féin senator, entered politics relatively recently. She stood for the party in the last general election in Cork North West.

She is also a long-time drug education campaigner, taking up the mantle after her brother, Alex Ryan, died in 2016 after he took a deadly designer drug at a house party.

This saw her establish Alex’s Adventure, a drug education programme which has provided information to over 13,000 post-primary students.

Symptoms

In the early weeks of her pregnancy, Ms Ryan began to show symptoms that something might have been wrong.

“I got to about seven weeks and, at seven weeks, I started to kind of bleed,” she said.

On the advice of a public health nurse, Ms Ryan opted to head to the emergency department at Cork University Hospital (CUH). It was here that an ultrasound found there was a heartbeat.

She felt it was a “joyous moment” in her pregnancy, but she tried not to get overly excited as she wanted to wait until her 12 week scan to be sure.

However, just days away from the scan, Ms Ryan went out for dinner and found that she experienced some cramping during the evening.

I was like 'that can be normal, it can happen'. I went to bed, but woke up at 5am, and I just knew that something was off

Ms Ryan described how she woke up “covered in blood” and drove to CUH in the early hours. 

She said: “I begged and pleaded with anything that this wasn’t happening, but I knew what was happening.” 

Ms Ryan was later told that her pregnancy had not progressed beyond seven weeks.

Nicole Ryan: 'I'd be like 'why me', or 'what could I have done better', or 'did I do enough'.' Picture: Moya Nolan

She described the “torture” of the medical intervention to end the pregnancy, needing two courses to fully complete the procedure.

“Luckily, or unluckily, I was made redundant five days prior to the miscarriage, so I wasn’t in work," she said.

"I don’t know how I would have managed, because I could barely manage being with people or around my friends," she said.

'I just started bawling crying'

Ms Ryan says that, in the weeks after, having to sit in waiting rooms became a trigger that reminded her of the time spent waiting for scans and the bad news that followed.

“I had a dentist's appointment and the dentist was running late, so I was just sitting in the waiting room. I was by myself and, all of a sudden, I just started bawling crying.

“It was a trigger for me to just be left waiting.” 

The pain of the loss got so bad that Ms Ryan described having a “bit of a breakdown” in mid-July, as she and her partner were preparing to travel to a wedding.

I knew that there was a woman there, and she got pregnant around the same time as me, and just the thought of seeing her was enough

"The thoughts that I would have, just being so envious and just feeling horrible.

“I’d be like ‘why me’, or ‘what could I have done better’, or ‘did I do enough’. It’s not your fault, but there is a shame and stigma attached to it and nobody talks about it.

“It’s like you’re almost not allowed to acknowledge the loss,” Ms Ryan added.

Lack of support

She says she has spoken to a lot of women in recent months to hear their stories, with the lack of support being highlighted as a key failing of the State.

“Women’s reproductive healthcare is still so far behind."

Ms Ryan said her own experience with miscarriage is what kickstarted her entrance into politics, running in the general election.

While she didn’t make it over the line in the general election, Ms Ryan did manage to take a seat on the Seanad’s administrative panel. Now, she plans to bring forward legislation to support women who miscarry.

The proposed legislation would provide women who miscarry five days of paid “pregnancy loss-related leave”, while their partners would be able to avail of 2.5 days.

The legislation would also introduce a new opt-in register, allowing women to record their pregnancy loss with the State.

“Your loss is valid,” Ms Ryan said.

“This bill isn’t going to fix all the problems, but it’s just that recognition. Here’s your certificate, it happened. For a lot of women, that means the world.”