'The woman who gave birth to me destroyed my life': Daughter recounts horrific cruelty at hands of her mother

Woman had pleaded to two charges of cruelty to a child relating to her two daughters, when one was aged 12 to 15 and her younger daughter

The two daughters gave evidence at the sentencing hearing for their mother at Cork Circuit Criminal Court. Picture: Larry Cummins

WARNING: Some readers may find the following article upsetting

Two girls have spoken out about the frightening cruelty they experienced for years at the hands of their own mother in the family home — one of the victims declaring she never imagined she would be describing “how the woman who gave birth to me destroyed my life”.

Graphic and deeply personal evidence was given of the impact the cruelty meted out by the 41-year-old woman had on her two daughters when they were children.

Now in their early and mid-teens, they have given evidence at the sentencing hearing for their mother at Cork Circuit Criminal Court.

She pleaded guilty to two charges of cruelty to a child contrary to the Children’s Act, whereby she ill-treated a child in her care in a manner likely to cause unnecessary suffering or injury to her health or seriously to affect her wellbeing. 

The charge related to the older child referred to a period of three years when she was aged from about 12 to 15 years and a shorter period in respect of the younger daughter.

The older girl testified: “Mothers are supposed to love their children unconditionally, protect them, nurture them and guide them. My mother did none of those things. She picked and chose when I deserved any crumb of that treatment. 

"Instead, she was the reason I lived in constant fear. She was the reason I spent my entire childhood walking on eggshells, waiting for the next outburst or terrible thing to happen."

“I don't think people understand what it's like to grow up in a house where you never feel safe. You don't know if the person who supposedly loves you will be kind one minute or cruel the next. 

My mother didn't just fail me, she betrayed me in ways no child should ever have to experience, she chose drugs over me, strange men over me and violence over me. 

"She let her random hook-ups and one-week relationships into the house like they had a right to be there, like I was just some background noise in her life. She never once thought about me. To be a child sitting in my own home feeling trapped because I didn't know who these men were and what they were capable of. I stopped feeling safe in my own body every time one of them looked at me, I felt sick.” 

To protect the identity of the victims the defendant cannot be identified in coverage of the case.

Defence senior counsel Elizabeth O’Connell asked for a probation report and a report from Coolmine treatment centre to be directed in relation to the accused in advance of sentencing. 

Sentencing adjourned

Judge Sinead Behan adjourned it until April 30 for that purpose, having heard the victim impact evidence.

The older child recalled in extremely disturbing evidence one of her mother’s partners: “I watched him slam his fists into her face over and over until she was barely conscious. I still hear the sound of it. You know the sound of pigs in a slaughter house? Exactly like that. Frantic pained squealing and groans, it'll will never leave my mind. I still see the blood. 

"I still remember feeling so small and helpless, because I knew there was nothing I could do to stop it. And then he turned his violence on me.

“I was just trying to protect my little sister. That's what I always did, protected her and loved her, because no one else would... And suddenly his hands were around my throat, squeezing. In such a violent manner I fell back with his weight. My head smashing on our kitchen tiles squeezing, cutting off air. I remember the pressure, the dizziness, the moment when I thought 'this is it this is how I'm going to die'. There were a lot of moments like these.

“And my mother still let him back in. She swore to me he was gone. She looked me in the eyes and promised but she chose him over us.

“It wasn't just [man’s name]. It was everything. The way she made me feel like I was the problem, like I was the one ruining her life when all I ever wanted was to be loved.” 

She gave detailed evidence of how she devised different ways to harm herself physically, as “a way to drown out the mental pain with physical, I was so desperate for any kind of relief… My skin remembers what my mind tries to forget. No amount of therapy can erase them. No amount of time can take away the damage she did.

“And believe me I've tried. I've spent years in therapy sitting in cold offices trying to put words to things that never should have happened. I've spent hours crying to strangers but I always had to hide about what was really going on. Even now even though I am out of that house. I'm still living with the effects of what she did to me.

“I can't be around strange men without feeling my body tense up. I flinch when people raise their voices. Just hearing people argue is enough to send me spiralling into a panic. It doesn't matter if I know I'm safe, my brain doesn't believe it. My brain is still stuck in that house, still waiting for the next explosion, still bracing for the next time someone will hurt me.

“School was impossible. I sat in classrooms exhausted from another night of no sleep, too tired to focus, too depressed to care. Teachers thought I was lazy, unmotivated. But no idea what I was going home to. And I was too afraid to tell them.” 

Suicidal thoughts

She tried to take her own life. 

"I had countless suicide notes hidden around my room, some blaming my mom, others blaming myself. Pages filled with words I never said out loud, thoughts too heavy for a child to carry. Each one felt like a goodbye I was getting closer to saying. 

“But the moment I got out of the house I got better. I started feeling like a person again instead of a shell of one. I started remembering what it was like to breathe without fear. I am healing, slowly, painfully but I am healing. But healing does not mean forgetting. I will never forget what she did to me. I will never forget the way she made me feel sub-human. I will never forget the nights I cried myself to sleep, the nights I begged help and was ignored.

You are not my mammy. That word belongs to someone who puts their child before themselves. You were never that for me. You are just my mother, the woman who gave birth to me and nothing more. Because being a mother isn't about blood. It's about what you do, how you show up. And you never did. 

"And until the day comes when you do stop running from what you've done when you face the damage you caused and actually work to change, that's all you'll ever be to me. Not my mammy, not my family, just a stranger who hurt me more than anyone ever could.” 

Her younger sister also described the impact of her mother’s cruelty on her:

“One day, she'd tell me how much she loved me, and the next day, she'd say things that were the complete opposite. Because of this, I've always had a hard time trusting people who are kind to me. I was manipulated in so many ways while living with her, and I learned early on that if my mom wasn't happy, I wasn't allowed to be happy.

“Looking at everything, I can see how much my life has changed because of how I was raised in my mom's care. I never had a real mother figure to turn to for the serious things in life. I never had a mom cheering me on from the crowd. 

"Honestly, I don't talk about it much, but I believe my life could have been so much better if alcohol and other substances weren't brought into our home. I think my mom could have been a better mom, but no matter how much I begged, she had no intention of stopping.

“All I really want is for my mom to get help — the kind of real help she needs. I want her to rehabilitate and become the person I know she could've been.”

- If you are affected by any of the issues raised in this article, please click here for a list of support services.