Restorative justice: Survivor on how meeting her abuser put her in a position of power
Blackrock College past pupils, from left, John Coulter, Corry McMahon and Louis Hoffman, along with Philip Feddis joining via phone at a joint news briefing with the Spiritans in Ireland last week, where they announced a restorative justice process for victims/survivors of historical abuse at schools and institutions run by the Spiritan Congregation.
When Maria* faced the man who had abused her, she was adamant she would not let him see her cry.
Instead, she wanted him to see her in a position of power at last, able to outline how damaged her life and those of her family and friends were by his actions.
Now almost 20, Maria believes the remote meeting during Covid-19 lockdown, close to the end of his sentence, was the key in her recovery from the abuse.
Restorative justice is a term that is in the ether at the moment as the Spiritan order and a representative group of past pupils of Blackrock College have established a restorative justice forum for survivors of abuse in Spiritan-run schools.
The group of past pupils — Corry McMahon, Louis Hoffman, Philip Feddis and John Coulter — said in a statement: “While we’re a small group, we’re representative of a much wider base of former pupils of Spiritan schools that believes the restorative justice process, which by definition is victim-led, will go some way to address the needs of all those affected by the horror of such abuse.”
Maria’s abuser was not a teacher or a staff member at her school — he was instead someone she met through social media and was five years older than her.
Looking back now, Maria realises she was being groomed by someone much older than herself who was in much stronger position of power than she was.
She says she was sexually assaulted by that person, John*, when she was just 14.
She recalls: “He was five years older than me and was in sixth year when I was in second year.”
Over time, there were a number of sexual encounters with John which she now knows were abusive. It took her a while to realise that however, explaining: “He had severely groomed me, severely manipulated me into thinking that I was in love with him and around this time, I had been having problems with bullying in school and was struggling with self-harm.”
At that time, she was just 13. “On the week of my 14th birthday, he took my virginity and over the next couple of months, there were four sexual encounters in total.
Maria remembers being afraid to fight against him and says now she did not realise the nature of his actions until some time after the last incident — although she does recall trying to avoid him on the evening of the last assault.
Some time after, while attending a party, she began to realise the gravity of what had happened and she confronted him in a phone call, before cutting off ties with him. She eventually told her parents and gardaí and is very grateful for the support of her family.
She knows now she was not the only girl to endure similar abuse by John and says: “There were three of us who took cases against him.”
In court, after pleading guilty, he was sentenced to eight years in prison, with three years suspended. He has since been released.
Before his release though, Maria and her mother were granted a remote meeting with him through the restorative justice process.
She explains why she wanted to meet her abuser: “A lot of people around me were very wary of me doing it. I wasn’t wary myself. I was 100% sure I was in the right head space and I was in the right time in my life where I wanted to face John and say I am not a frail child anymore.”
She wanted to show him he had not ruined her and also wanted to be able to do it before he got released from prison early in 2021.
“It was important for me, for him and for the facilitators that there was going to be no malice in this meeting."
Because of Covid, the meeting had to be held remotely, after months of preparation by Maria and her mother.
It was not the first time she had taken action to show John the impact of his actions on her and her family — she had also written a victim impact statement for his sentencing hearing, when she was just 15 years old.
Seeing him on the screen for the restorative justice meeting did not deter her from delivering her message to her abuser.
She recalls her mother crying in the meeting but says she was not going to allow herself to cry in front of John because she wanted to show him she was strong despite his actions.
She also remembers he apologised to her for the damage he had caused and that he only wanted good things for her. He added he was sorry for her family and friends, and all aspects of her life that he had affected.
Maria notes his participation in the process was entirely voluntary and that he could have cancelled the meeting even on the day it took place.
As a result, she did not expect remorse from him and explains: “I purely went to look him in his face and say ‘this is what you did to me and you can never do this again, it is not acceptable and is not ok’.”
She adds she had fears at that point about plans he had for after his sentence and used the meeting to ask what she needed to find out, to help give herself a feeling of security. “He knew where I lived, he knew what cars my parents drove. He had complete control over me.”
She needed to know she would feel safe after his release from prison.
Maria has been in therapy for many years and describes her counsellor as amazing. Now, she is in college studying applied psychology, with one of her subjects being criminology. She aims to become a counsellor.
She credits her counsellor with introducing her to the concept of restorative justice, and contacting the Probation Service to set the wheels in motion.
She says there were two options open to her when she decided she wanted to confront her abuser — either arranging a prison visit with him, or going down the route of restorative justice.
She says by opting for restorative justice, she knew “I was going to be in a safe environment where I wasn’t going to be hurt".
Believing it to have been a crucial part of her recovery, Maria says she is speaking about her experience because she wants victims to be able to have a voice.
She adds that people who are victims of sexual crimes should not feel ashamed and feel they cannot tell their family or friends about what has happened to them.
Reflecting on her experience of addressing her abuser, she says:
"I would say if someone has been through an abuse or trauma like this, and you have the courage to do it, I would recommend it because I was 17 when I did it — I wasn’t even an adult.
Since then, I just want to help people that have been through the same thing. That is what I want to do in my life as a career.”
A spokeswoman for the Probation Service said restorative justice is currently used at different stages of the criminal justice process, in relation to various offence types.
She said: “This includes lower-tariff offences as part of diversion from prosecution or conviction, as well as post-sentence to help meet the needs of people affected by some of the most serious offences.
"Restorative justice is delivered by the Probation Service (with youth and adult offending, pre- and post-sentence), by An Garda Síochána (within the Youth Diversion Programme) and by several community-based organisations that receive referrals.”
She said a number of safeguards are in place in relation to restorative justice, including voluntary participation, recognition of the harm done, preparation and risk assessment, confidentiality, staff training, and service monitoring and oversight.
Rape crisis centres throughout the country also offer advice and support services to victims of rape and sexual assault and operate a national 24-hour helpline which can be contacted at 1800 77 88 88.
The HSE also has a National Counselling Service.
Read More
CONNECT WITH US TODAY
Be the first to know the latest news and updates
