Parents of addicts are like 'soldiers' in a war

Aileen Malone speaking at a protest last year ahead of the inquest into the death of George Nkencho. Ms Malone, mother of the late Dara Quigley spoke at the Citizens' Assembly today. Photo: Damien Storan.

Being a parent of a child in addiction is like being “a soldier in a war”, a father told the Citizens’ Assembly on Drugs Use at the weekend.

Gearaidh Mathews said his son’s descent into drug abuse and mental ill-health placed his son in “harm’s way so many times and in so many dangerous situations”.

Mr Mathews was one of five parents who spoke at the second weekend of the Citizens’ Assembly on Drugs Use, which is examining the nature and scale of the drugs problem and examining possible changes in policies.

“It is like being a soldier in a war,” Mr Mathews said. “You’re constantly on guard, constantly on sentry, constantly watching out for the enemy.

“The enemy is the fact you just don’t know what the other person is up to. At the same time you’re aware of the huge potential for the ultimate self-harm, either by design or by accident.” 

He said his son is still alive, but that the experience, over 10-12 years, “really destroyed” him as a person and a father.

“Your focus is on helping your child because that’s what parents do," he said. "We neglect ourselves to such a point that life becomes impossible. I felt I failed as a parent.” 

He said only long term help from family support eventually enabled him to rebuild his life. 

Maureen Penrose, whose eldest daughter developed a heroin addiction, said: “There’s a constant state of emergency. You’re afraid of saying the wrong thing and the person will run out and take drugs. You’re totally controlled by the emotion of that fear.” 

Aileen Moloney, whose daughter Dara Quigley died six years ago, said it deeply affected one of her other daughters, who was already taking drugs but started developing a severe dependency on heroin and benzodiazepines.

“I've lived with drug dependent people for about 20 years now. I can tell you, it's exhausting. absolutely exhausting. It affects the family on so many levels, is emotionally, physically, financially and socially.” 

She said the other daughters are “kind of neglected” as they didn’t have as much time for them.

Parent Catriona Kirwan said: “You just become consumed with the one person; they take over your life.” 

She talked about her experience of her son being in and out of prison and a sense of “disrespect, stigma and shame” from some people in officialdom.

In a separate session, on communities, Amy Carey, CEO of Solas Project in Dublin’ south inner city, said young people are attracted by the “glamorous role” local drug dealers have.

“They're the people who have the flashy cars and the nice clothes, and so there definitely is a pull factor there,” she said.

At a recent talk, she said children were asked what they wanted to be when they grow up and one six-year-old boy said he wanted to be “like those boys on the block”.

She said: “His dream is to become a drug dealer and that for me just epitomizes the depth of the problem that we have in the communities that we work in. It's such normalized behaviour.”