'I felt scared, ashamed, guilty, but it wasn't my fault' — a survivor of domestic abuse speaks out

Mon, 14 Dec, 2020 - 07:16

Joyce Fegan

"I felt scared. I felt tied down. I felt ashamed. I felt guilty. I felt like I was robbing my son of a father. I felt alone. I felt pathetic. But none of that makes it my fault.

"I would always say to someone who is victim-blaming that they need to ask why is this still happening? Why are more people not charged with this? Why is this still an issue in our society?"

Jennifer Carroll is a survivor of domestic abuse. Her abuser "began with small things". At the beginning, she normalised his behaviour. She would feel "awful guilt" any time she would walk away from him.

The abuse really escalated when she became pregnant. At its worst, her partner physically abused her almost daily, but it was the emotional abuse that she describes as "the worst".

"The emotional abuse was the worst. It gets into your head, it rewires your mind and how you think, feel and talk about yourself.

"It doesn’t go away easily either. It's an awful thing to say, but most days I would rather a punch than hours of verbal abuse. It became my truth and it cut me deeper than the wounds he gave me.

"I had zero self-love, zero confidence, and zero worth for a long time.

"I isolated myself so much from friends and family that his voice and my voice were all I had and that was a very lonely and dark place. I felt completely hopeless," says the Dublin mother of one.

But the situation was far from hopeless.

Jennifer was finally able to leave with the help of family and friends. She has rebuilt a life for herself and her son.

"It has been a journey and continues to be a journey. I don’t know if I will ever be healed but I know I am doing everything I can to give my son and I a better life," says Jennifer.

To help address the growing problem of domestic abuse, Jennifer says we must first stop blaming the victim and encourage society as a whole to talk more openly.