Carey ‘nervous’ of public reaction

The touch on the elbow, the whisper in the ear — Pat Carey admits he was nervous about some of the approaches he’s had from total strangers in the last few days.

But those nerves swiftly eased when he realised that he wasn’t the vulnerable one in the encounters.

Since the former minister last week spoke publicly for the first time about being a gay man, he has become intensely aware of the struggles other people have around their own sexuality.

“I was coming out of Mass this morning when a woman who is in her older years touched me on the elbow and whispered to me that what you said made an awful difference to a lot of people,” he said.

“I was in my local supermarket yesterday — kind of tentatively going around because you’re never quite sure what the reaction is going to be — and another came up to me and said, it’s really good what you said, I have a gay son and we had an uncle who would probably be categorised as being gay but nobody knew how to talk about it.”

Carey didn’t intend talking about it either. He only came out to family and friends four years ago at the mature age of 63, and only decided to widen his circle of confidants to the entire country week because of his concerns that the marriage equality referendum campaign lacked a sense of urgency.

But now he says he realises there are even more fundamental issues to be addressed than a vote on marriage equality.

“What we are talking about now has little or nothing to do with the referendum. It’s people’s sense of self and, like myself, having confidence and courage to face it.

“I came out four years ago but doing it much more publicly was something I was a bit nervous about. I understand how much harder that must be for people who don’t have the advantage of having been in the full glare of publicity for a long part of their working life.

“I wouldn’t say that criticism would flow off me like water off a duck’s back — I’d be as sensitive as anybody — but I’m more used to it. There are people who are living on their own and don’t have great confidence. It’s a brave person that stands out from the crowd.”

Carey said he had particular concern for older gay people who did not grow up in today’s more inclusive society and he was especially conscious of gay people in isolated rural communities, saying the fact that he had now lived most of his life in Dublin rather than his native Kerry made it easier for him to come out. “I’ve been on my Facebook and it’s really interesting the number of people from Kerry and from rural Ireland, in fact I’d say predominantly from rural Ireland, wanting to befriend.

“It’s much more difficult if you’re living in an isolated rural community, which is why I echo what Mary McAleese said to me — she spoke to me this morning — that we need to mobilise the forces of the farming organisations, the Irish Countrywomen’s Association, the GAA, all of the very deeply-rooted organisations in rural Ireland, who are dealing with isolation. They are doing really good stuff all over the country in supporting people and this is an area in which they can play an important role.”

The former president, ministers Frances Fitzgerald and Leo Varadkar, and current and former friends, colleagues and political allies and foes are among those who have passed on messages of support since last Friday. There were also numerous priests and nuns.

“This morning when I went to Mass I have to say I was a small bit nervous going up to Communion. What I really didn’t want was to embarrass anybody. But certainly this morning was like every other Sunday morning.

“I think there are certainly elements in the Church who still have a problem with gay people. Probably the higher up the hierarchical ladder you go, the more of them you find.

“But there are signs of a deeper and broader understanding of people’s values and the realities of the issues that concern them, which is encouraging. I never thought that the revolution would come and change everything overnight.”