Should I ban kids from my wedding?

Do I want the guests’ children at our wedding?

I announced publicly I did not want any children at my upcoming wedding, spurring a nationwide debate over the airwaves. It was the stimulus for an onset of both supportive and disagreeable text messages and replies.

I was surprised by peoples’ mixed reactions, but it seems so easy to hide behind the text messages.

I had just begun to plan our September wedding when the dreaded question arose between myself and my fiance; did we want the smaller folk at our wedding?

When I began to write the piece I was trying to remember if I had been to any weddings when I was younger. I asked my mother and she said I hadn’t, it was rare for children to attend the nuptial ceremonies in those days.

Times have changed. People are getting married later now and many of them have children already. A lot of people I spoke to didn’t want to go on the record with their opinion. I didn’t realise it was such a touchy subject. My friends told me to be careful with the decision I made.

I went online to find reams and reams of forums and threads dedicated to the ‘Do I want children at my wedding?’ debate, or the more awkward question, ‘How do I tell guestsit is an adult-only event?’. I was surprised at people’s sensitive attitude to the subject.

On one internet thread, a woman was so offended that her 16-year-old daughter was not invited to a family wedding that she and her husband refused to attend it, and the next two family weddings as well.

My friends and family were delighted with the response the article and radio piece received. I did get a few humorous texts and there were a few jokes being thrown around.

One friend offered to be the bodyguard at the venue’s door, refusing anyone below a certain age in.

Personally, it’s not a subject I feel that strongly about. However, I do know myself that some of my friends don’t actually want to bring their young children to our wedding. A lot of them have told me they aren’t bringing their children full-stop.

It’s meant to be an enjoyable night for them too. They’re based in Dublin so it’s going to be easy for their families to mind the kids for the day.

I’m presuming a lot of other guests will have the same attitude. I know I’ll probably be surprised when I receive some of the RSVPs.

I didn’t change my mind listening to other people’s opinions. Some people sent texts to the radio show saying it should be a family day, including everyone from grandparents to grandchildren. I understand that point and I do agree with it to a certain extent.

Some people feel it is the bride and groom snubbing their children, which isn’t the case at all. There are both pros and cons with inviting children to weddings. I just happen to agree more with the cons.

Above all, it creates an unnecessary awkward situation if you request an adult-only event and friends bring along their un-invited children. I know of a couple who couldn’t get a babysitter for a wedding they were invited to, had to bring the children to the event and felt too uncomfortable to join the wedding reception crowd for the night.

Our wedding invitations are being printed now so I have to see how they turn out. Otherwise, I have my outfit and the venue organised and ready to go. I feel like I’m ready for the day. Saying that, I know there will be so much more to do in the next three months, especially regarding the invitations.

Above all, I believe a wedding is a day about the couple. I also think it is an important, and somewhat solemn, moment. We have decided we don’t want to have small children at our wedding.

* Olivia Mai is a freelance writer

NO

IF I ever got married, I would definitely include children at my wedding because if I didn’t, my kids would kill me.

And so would all their friends.

But then my kids are not babies or toddlers, so they tend not to have tantrums and poo themselves in public anymore (well, not much anyway). I’m not sure I would want a wedding ceremony with a soundtrack provided by screaming two-year-olds, or a wedding meal where half the guests were being spoon-fed pureed porridge, so here’s what I’d do.

I would impose an age limit. No teeny weeny kids, unless they are my two-year-old niece, in which case I would make her the guest of honour.

But no kids at all? Even older kids in their teens? Personally I would find that a bit weird, a bit like banning old people. What matters is not the age of the guest, but how they conduct themselves — or if they’re young, how their parents guide them to conduct themselves.

If you have friends whose kids are feral, then it might be stressful for everyone if they came along. But this isn’t about the kids, it’s about the parents. Most kids over the age of three or four should be able to sit through a ceremony and eat a meal without going insane in the process.

If they can’t, it’s because they haven’t been socialised properly. That’s the thing with big occasions. I’m a firm believer in bringing kids along to everything — weddings, funerals, bar mitzvahs — because that’s how they learn who they are and how we function in groups.

In Mediterranean culture, the idea of a childless wedding would be appalling, as though the Pied Piper had spirited them all away.

We have a slightly peculiar attitude to kids in Ireland and Britain, as though they are minor irritants to be managed. If your friend’s kid is a nightmare, it’s not the kid — it’s your friend.

So can you cherrypick the nice kids and leave the screechy Veruca Salts off the guest list? Yes, of course — it’s your wedding, you can do anything you like — but if you want your friendships to last, diplomacy might be a better call.

Kids can come, but not during the ceremony. Or kids can come, but only until a certain time, so there are no sugar-crash tantrums at midnight. Or kids can come, but only if they are blood relatives.

If it were me, I would give parents the option of bringing kids on the provision that if they howled, someone would remove them and stick them in a cupboard until they stopped. Some parents would rather have the time off to lark about in their finery, while others would hate the idea of their kids being excluded. So it might be simplest to allow each individual family unit to make their own minds up, rather than imposing a blanket ban.

Weddings cost a lot, I’m told. If you’re bankrupting yourself in the name of love, why not go a bit further and sort out a kids’ space at your venue? A room with toys and kids’ movies and a minder — how hard would that be to organise? If couples can arrange vintage cars and vintage champagne, surely a place where your guests’ kids could hang out would not be impossible.

Personally, I think the presence of children enhances most occasions, for the simple reason that they don’t take it all so bloody seriously.

* Suzanne Harrington is an Irish Examiner columnist