Deft old master in the art of politics fails to pull off a whitewash

NEW! Real! Better!

It’s the political product Micheál Martin thinks we’re all dying to buy: “I Can’t Believe It’s Not Fianna Fáil!”

It looks like Fianna Fáil and it feels like Fianna Fáil, but it can’t be Fianna Fáil because it’s got all these exciting new ideas that it somehow forgot to put into practice during 14 years of power.

Mr Martin unveiled his manifesto in the Hugh Lane Gallery of Modern Art and the pictures adorning the walls told an alternate version of the story the FF leader was trying to paint.

Gustave Courbet’s The Shipwreck could well have summed-up the party Mr Martin took the helm of just two weeks ago

And the description of Edouard Manet’s work on the opposite wall eerily tilted toward Mr Martin’s shameless attempts to try and whitewash FF’s period in office: “His bold brush work and bright colours shocked the public.”

Mr Martin gravely informed us this manifesto launch was different as it contained no gimmicks or sound bites — and the reason was because the money had run out.

The country must really be on its uppers if FF doesn’t even have enough heart, or cash, for election gimmicks. Whither the party that brought the nation to the brink of bankruptcy twice in 30 years just so it could win in 1977 and 2007.

Unable to try and buy votes, it’s decided to win minds instead with a radical reform of the Oireachtas.

Yes, the very Oireachtas it has left untouched for a decade and a half.

Most strangely, our over-worked cabinet members will now be relieved of their constituency duties by replacement mini-TDs who would deputise as deputies for them — thus pushing the wage bill up by nearly €7 million.

This is intended to make the Dáil more democratic and lead to “creative tension” between the chamber and the executive — but how this will be achieved by second-choice candidates who will clearly be creatures of the ruling parties is not really spelled out.

And that is not the only gap in the slinky, 40-page document which for some reason completely ignores the area of health — maybe the subliminal message is meant to be that the new, improved FF is now so lovely and cuddly no-one will even get a cold if it gets back into power.

But at least Mr Martin will actually turn-up for the TV3 debate tonight — unlike Enda Kenny who was still planning to skidaddle to the borders of Donegal in order to avoid a possible tongue-lashing from Vinegar Vincent Browne.

TV3 have promised to mark Mr Kenny’s refusal to participate by making The Empty Chair prominent on stage. Some Enda loyalists are said to be privately worried about this as The Empty Chair may prove so much better at debating than Mr Kenny would have himself, it could trigger Fine Gael’s usual tendency to snatch defeat from the jaws of victory with a last-minute heave to make The Empty Chair party leader.

But back at Fianna Fáil’s manifesto launch, the gallery’s sculpture room had been cleared of its major pieces, though the array of the party’s frontbenchers was a study in itself.

Look, there was Mary Hanafin, suddenly deputy leader, suddenly in the front row and still as cool and chilly as porcelain — while behind her in tier-two sat tarnished Tánaiste Mary Coughlan and the great bluffer himself Brian Lenihan. How the wheel has turned.

And through it all, Mr Martin’s ever present cherubic smile beamed under the meaninglessly Disneyesque slogan: “Real Plan. Better Future” — presumably the focus group rejected the alternative motto: Fake Plan. Crappy Future?

Mr Martin has proved to be a deft old master at the art of politics in recent weeks, and he certainly made an intriguing exhibition of himself yesterday.

But the writing was well and truly on the gallery wall to his left, as the painter of “Sunflowers” and the king of the French impressionists looked down and reminded us all why Fianna Fáil will surely lose this election in some style — Monet’s just too tight to mention.