The Bruiser of Irish politics ends up as its Mr Bean

IT was the moment Brian Cowen finally completed his car crash journey from being the Bruiser of Irish politics to its Mr Bean.

Disrespected, deserted and clearly delusional, the now temporary Taoiseach insisted the question of his leadership had been settled once and for all.

Oh, Brian, it’s called a break-up because its broken.

Mr Cowen’s authority is broken, the Government is broken — and even Fianna Fáil itself may be breaking apart.

When is he going to get the message?

Not until one of the Big Beasts of Fianna Fáil finally has the spine to force him out — well they used to be the Big Beasts, but Micheál Martin and Brian Lenihan have now been revealed as Diminished Dithers by a week of calamity, miscalculations and chaos.

Labour’s Brendan Howlin despaired that democracy itself was now “imperilled” by the Taoiseach’s tragi-farcical attempts to try and cling to power at all costs.

But it would be more accurate to realise our rapid descent from a democracy — rule by the people — to a kakistocracy — rule by those least able — has been under way for some time.

As conservative think-tank the ESRI predicted 1,000 young people a week will be forced abroad over the next two years to find the dignity of labour unavailable to them at home, the Government went to war with itself, leaving the Taoiseach’s shredded reputation as its biggest casualty — but the country as the real loser.

After the misfiring of Martin’s attempt to topple the Taoiseach, Mr Cowen seemed to suffer a sudden rush of blood to the head and decided to appoint six new cabinet members in order to “freshen-up” his FF team for the election.

The fact the move was nothing short of political lunacy was underscored by the sudden emergence of the Greens as the voice of reason, when they let out a slow motion squeal they would not sign off on such naked opportunism.

What happened next is the subject of angry, ugly conjecture between the two parties which — incredibly — still remain in Government with each other.

Either the Greens didn’t speak loud enough, or they were just not listened to — the story of their time in Government in reality.

But their eventual refusal to sign off on the sham-reshuffle chopped Cowen off at the knees, as he was dragged down to the Dáil to face a House in uproar as his attempted stroke broke the last semblance of authority he had.

In a humiliating climb down he was forced to cave into the Greens and reassign the now vacant cabinet posts to its remaining members.

Mr Cowen is now reduced to effectively setting up a Fianna Fáil shadow cabinet to exist alongside the coalition cabinet, as he hurtles to seemingly inevitable electoral oblivion.

Well, depending on whether a new challenge is launched that is — a re-heave if you will, or if the hate-fest that is now the FF/Green deal can stagger on for seven more weeks to polling day.

Living up to his reputation for indecision, Mr Martin has issued another of his ambiguous calls for “reflection”, while the other would-be replacements for the helm of Fianna Fáil, Brian Lenihan and Mary Hanafin lick their wounds after a confidence motion in the Taoiseach which exposed both of them as all mouth and no action.

Backbenchers are in such disarray they are even openly talking of setting up a separate party to be imaginatively titled “New Fianna Fáil”, but in reality many will just detach themselves and run as Independent FF, hoping the curse of CoCo the Clowen will not befall them.

The blowback from the Fianna Fáil implosion has also swept into the other parties, provoking sizeable shifts in expectations.

Some Labour figures now even fear the FF meltdown could result in Fine Gael coming close to, or even achieving, a single party majority.

Labour has lost serious momentum since the IMF crisis hit in November as worried middle-class voters who had flirted with it for most of the year turned tail and headed back to the familiarity of the Blueshirts, pushing Fine Gael back to 35% and climbing.

While that vantage point is not enough to land the party the 83 seats it needs to rule alone — that historic peak can be seen from there if it achieves a push closer to 40%.

With FF support in free-fall and the fact that it is running too many candidates chasing too few voters, its negative seat bounce could see it wiped out in a swathe of constituencies, which, outside the Labour bastion of Dublin, will mainly benefit Fine Gael.

Though FG getting near a majority and ruling with the backing of the much increased number of independents is still unlikely, the fact Labour is concerned is itself a telling indicator of how turbulent the political topography is at the moment.

Which is why Eamon Gilmore threw down his motion of no confidence — much to the chagrin of the chattering classes who dismissed it as gimmick.

And, of course, it was a gimmick, but one Labour’s base wants to see and one Mr Gilmore knows he needs to produce to try and check Sinn Féin tearing up his left flank.

People used to be too ashamed to say publicly they would vote for Sinn Féin, now that ignominy has fallen on Fianna Fáil as the Shinners have shot past them in some polls as Mr Cowen and Co collapse to 14%.

And FF seems determined to do everything it possibly can to alienate that remaining 14% support as well.

“We have zero-digit potential,” one insider at FF high-command chuckled as gallows humour gripped the bunker. And with FF firmly established as a national joke why shouldn’t the FF-ers join in the laughter as well?

Forced to concede the election date as he scrambled from the rubble of his collapsed coalition, the Taoiseach faces the voters on March 11 knowing he only has one more political journey to make — from Mr Bean to Mr HasBeen.